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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Today

Today I ran all the way to the social security office to change my name and was told that they can't help me because the stamp on my document is the wrong color.

Today I had a nice clean and good smelling house so I decided to clean the oven.  It must have been awhile because now the entire house is smokey and smells like toasted ass hair.

Today I was proud to be home in time to have lunch ready for my preschooler and she said NO LIKE IT NUGGET when she walked in the door.  Then she ate 9 of them.

Today I have seen RIO twice.

Today I planned on running on my treadmill but will probably settle for Rio a third time.

Today I laughed 100 times.
Today I smiled all day.
Today I had coffee with my favorite 5 year old in the world.

I can't wait for tomorrow

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Cupcake wins









I tried to tell myself "self, if you had something better to do then you wouldn't be eating that cupcake" It didn't work because I am capable of doing most things while eating a cupcake.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Well I did one thing on my list. Unfortunately it was drink excessively
OO OOO OOO and I made cupcakes!!!!!

I did get the kids registered for school, no uniforms still. Everyone in the office says """The codes should work""""

Um... well... they don't

Thursday, August 11, 2011













Did I mention...

School uniform logos must be embroidered on! No patches...etc...

I once sewed my underwear all shut




CHARTER SCHOOLS ROCK!

my kid made it!! Whew... under the wire. I was so afraid of her starting middle school. I know in my heart that she needed this. This school will cater to her creative soul and nurture her strengths. A school of the arts. This may mean the difference between a gas station job in her future and a shot at a doctorate. Thank you universe!

So.. i have to make lists to sleep. here is my to-do list for tomorrow

Shit to do

Go to the store for toilet paper and lightbulbs... maybe throw some food in there too
Go to schools: need birth certs, shot records and proof of residency
Get my TB test read by random nurse
Drink excessively
Mortgage papers
School loan
Find out how to get the stupid school logo on my kid's uniforms
buy said uniforms
Rebuy all her school supplies since I bought the list for dreaded middle school
my kid needs a jump drive and headphones..... HOW COOL IS THIS SCHOOL????

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Judgment day


I was told today by a Dr that my freak factor was high. I guess I deserve this. It is an interesting concept to think about the way you portray yourself to the outside world. I guess I have thought about it a lot but have never been able to really grasp what it is when other people see me. I have varying ideas about what it is that I actually want to be seen. It is probably very basic. I am sure it is only the tattoos that people see, and that is alright. I think it is easier to know that nobody is truly looking into my heart. Sometimes I don't feel like there is much to see. I feel empty sometimes. My dreams are all expectations of the way things are supposed to be. My world is a reflection of what not to do. I don't really have much envy for those who have more, only curiosity of what it must be like to see through their eyes. I have moments of judgement, but for the most part, I understand somewhat what it must feel like to be in some others shoes. I know the feeling of acceptance that comes with drawing all of your resources together only to come up empty handed. I know the desperation of trying to make 5 dollars into 500. I know how it feels when your life stretches out in front of you as a big question mark. How time slips through your fingers and the things you should have done, mistakes you make all add up to one question. Why does this never work out how I planned? I watch the sadness caused by all consuming addictions that in the end, even consume your personality and I know that not everyone was born with intelligence and resourcefulness in their toolbox of life. Not everyone can grow up to be successful, there must always be people who just do it wrong. I tell these things to my coworkers in the hopes that I am responsible for one kind word, or one kind thought. I don't know if anyone is listening, but apparently, I have a high freak factor.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

fairy tales

I remember those public service videos in grade school. They were black and white and usually frighteningly futuristic. Designed to scare us into learning some valuable moral lesson that somehow our parents had sadly neglected to teach us. There was the one about the robots, robots cleaning our house, robots working in the yard, robot teachers, robot janitors. It ended with some ridiculous propaganda about running out of water that made absolutely no sense and left me thinking about robots in space with the whole world's water supply. There was the one called Lottery, where the world's population had become so overwhelming that resources were used up and there was not enough food to go around. People were living in some sort of dark age with dirt floors. Filthy children wandered the streets begging and looking generally frightened and feral. It ended in a gruesome scene where the lottery was drawn and the winners were stoned in the streets to conserve resources.
Another one was a planet that was sick, the air was toxic and there was no food or water. People had built communities underground and had forgotten what the sun looked like..... rather grim.

The one that affected me most was the one about the crazy old lady next door, everyone was afraid of her and called her witch. The meaner the neighborhood kids got the crankier the lady became. One day a little girl lost her ball in the yard and after finally getting the courage to go into the yard and get it found out that the lady was wonderful, sad and sweet. Her children and husband were all dead and she was only mean because the children teased her. The little girl started finding reasons to visit the old lady and did random chores just to hear her amazing stories about her past. The little girl's mother was proud and praised her for having such a caring spirit and spending time with the old woman. Eventually word got out to the little girl's friends that she was spending time with the neighborhood witch and they began to tease her. For the old woman's birthday, the two of them had planned a wonderful dinner party for just the two of them. The woman joyfully cooked all day, decorated and cleaned her house for the first time in years. Meanwhile the girl's friends teased her about her strange relationship with the old woman.... she began to feel bad and then decided to skip the party even though she was as excited as the old woman. The thing I remember most about these stories is there was no happy ending. The movie ended with the girl feeling like an ass and the old woman sobbing over her hard work lost. I remember making a happy ending in my mind just to cope with the sadness that was usually hidden from children's eyes and minds. I began to grasp that sometimes life was like that. Not everyone gets their happy ending... sometimes we end the story alone and sobbing over a cold meal that no one will eat. Sometimes the dog is euthanized in the pound, sometimes Maude doesn't wake from the coma. I still see the old woman.... I see her loneliness and her desperation for human touch.
I am easy on my children . I try to protect them from hurt. I replace things that are broken from carelessness sometimes. I try to stall the realization that the fairy tale may never happen to them.... I stall it and listen to them laugh for just a little longer.

Yes folks... I am still here

Although decidedly less outspoken. Once again it is summertime and while last year I was overwhelmed with the things I had to do and the huge amount of work left to me by the other... this year I feel I have a hold on at least half of it. I am loving this summer and now with a million less people living here I am feeling like it is finally not too much for one person to handle. Last year I was ambivalent. There seemed to be a huge outcry from the house and the yard and the kids and the job. Everyone wanted my attention all at once. I was attempting the dating scene... and hating it. It was just another thing crying for my attention. I let the lawn die and the weeds grow. When questioned about it I simply stated... I want my house to be seen from space. A big white spot on the satellite view of Idaho. AND also sometimes I said SUCK IT!
I have come to grips with the fact that I am to be perpetually single. I like it that way, I like doing things in my own time, when I want and how I want. I like to use both dressers in my room and I like the kids in my bed in the evenings watching ghost whisperer. I like the chickens in the backyard and I like working in the garden at 9pm.

All in all... this life is good.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Things I love


I LOVE



watching a mom see her child for the very first time.



telling parents tiny individual details I have discovered about their child that makes them unique and precious.



Knowing that these tiny details secure me as a safe person to trust with their most treasured person and that even though I take care of babies all the time, this one is special.



watching parents fall in love with their baby and knowing that this little person is amazing



the tears that sting my eyes when I watch a mother learn to breastfeed a child that I admitted intubated only 2 days prior.



When all the doctors leave the room and the parents look at me as if to say, "now what is really going on?"



The feeling that I know what is really going on, and the ability to take time to explain it in a way that they will understand.



Knowing that the amazing people I work with will take care of this baby when I go home, and I can sleep soundly because he is as safe with them as he was with me



That even when the outcome isn't favorable, I have given at least one moment of comfort and human contact on my shift



Really truly caring about the outcome of my work




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