Judgment day

I was told today by a Dr that my freak factor was high. I guess I deserve this. It is an interesting concept to think about the way you portray yourself to the outside world. I guess I have thought about it a lot but have never been able to really grasp what it is when other people see me. I have varying ideas about what it is that I actually want to be seen. It is probably very basic. I am sure it is only the tattoos that people see, and that is alright. I think it is easier to know that nobody is truly looking into my heart. Sometimes I don't feel like there is much to see. I feel empty sometimes. My dreams are all expectations of the way things are supposed to be. My world is a reflection of what not to do. I don't really have much envy for those who have more, only curiosity of what it must be like to see through their eyes. I have moments of judgement, but for the most part, I understand somewhat what it must feel like to be in some others shoes. I know the feeling of acceptance that comes with drawing all of your resources together only to come up empty handed. I know the desperation of trying to make 5 dollars into 500. I know how it feels when your life stretches out in front of you as a big question mark. How time slips through your fingers and the things you should have done, mistakes you make all add up to one question. Why does this never work out how I planned? I watch the sadness caused by all consuming addictions that in the end, even consume your personality and I know that not everyone was born with intelligence and resourcefulness in their toolbox of life. Not everyone can grow up to be successful, there must always be people who just do it wrong. I tell these things to my coworkers in the hopes that I am responsible for one kind word, or one kind thought. I don't know if anyone is listening, but apparently, I have a high freak factor.