Ageism

You know you are getting old when your date matches on Eharmony list "staying active" as what they like to do in leisure time.

Kids is weird

My four year old Ava is sometimes very needy, especially when she knows I am going to work that night. Every work night it is the same conversation:

Ava: mom, I don't want you to go to work, chelsie isn't happy at me.
Mom: I have to go to work Ava
Ava: why? Cause you gots to feed us?
Mom: yes, and pay for power and a place to live and clean water
Ava: why do those babies has to get sick? Are they alone with the doctors right now?
Mom: the babies are sick because they were born too little. I have to take care of them because it's my turn, the other nurses want to go home to their little girls
Ava: I'm gonna be a nurf when I grow up, I don't want you to go to work.

Tonight the kids got to call their dad in Arizona. Olivia talked about school, Ava talked about her new necklace and ruby yelled g'night in the phone and said hi you daddy. When it was Kayla's turn to talk she declined. "come talk to your dad!" I said through clenched teeth. "but mom, this is an important moment in science!! I am watching the first ever autopsy of a colossal squid on Netflix!!!! They haven't ever gotten to dissect one before!!!!". Then she says " ok I'll come talk.... But I'm pausing this thing!!!". Interesting to me that this important moment in science can wait while you are on the phone.

Ava: mommy, mommy, mommy
Mom: who are you??? Where did you even come from????
Ava: I come from inside your computer!

Quinn: waaaaaa waaaaaaa dodoodododododododod dodododododo
Emo: hey annoying... Go play on your room!
Quinn: I'm not annoying, I'm batman!!!

Mom: Ruby, I love you
Ruby: YOU, go nite night!!!!!!

Kayla: I don't know what I was thinking when I ate that caterpillar ... I mean... Why didn't I just use my finger in the fun dip???

Ava: mom, Quinn hit me on my circle head

Quinn: mom, say you love me
Chelsie: I love you
Quinn: I love you too captain

Poison

Poison In My Veins
Artist(Band):Bayside

The night sky's black, and I'm awake, lying on the ground
The grass beneath my feet is hard and cold just like I've come to be
The stars are gone behind the clouds, and I can't see a thing
So I'll just let my eyes stay closed just like me
I can't open up

Cuz I'm all wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

There's something in an empty bed that makes it hard to close your eyes
It can eat at you 'til they both turn black and blue
And all you want is a reason you should live or a way for you to die
A way for you to die

Cuz I'm all wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

The ground's opening up
I'm falling down below
An endless fall into a place that I don't think a child should know
I'm screaming out a name that could never pass my lips
The poison in my veins that got me through her kiss

Cuz I'm wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

The ground's opening up
I'm falling down below
An endless fall into a place that I don't think a child should know
I'm screaming out a name that could never pass my lips
The poison in my veins that got me through her kiss

Now I'm too hung up on that to have anything with you
The poison in my veins
The poison in my veins
The poison in my veins that got me through.

Moving On

It seems like I have been moving on from so many things lately.    I am wondering when this life will halt it's endless changes and allow me to breathe.  The only thing that doesn't seem to change lately is work.  It has become my quiet place since I switched back to night shift.  The place where I am alone with my thoughts for the longest.  I don't know what I am thinking about anymore.  I fill my time with random obsessions that are meaningless and fleeting.  I think about things that are unimportant to avoid the glaring question in my head.  Where are we going?   

Where are we going?   What big thing will change this year that will make me rethink my entire life plan.  What event will make me prove yet again that I am strong and can overcome almost anything.  This life seems to test me to the end of my abilities.  It is like college in the sense that I am always waiting for the moment when it is too much.  The moment where everyone figures out that I am a fraud and I really am not as strong as I have portrayed.   I am self sacrificing to a fault.  Almost to the point that I actually refuse to do anything good for myself.  I punish myself for not being as strong, as patient, as good as the outside sees me.  I am not beautiful enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough.  If I were, I wouldn't have to work so hard for someone to love and continue loving me.  

I don't want to jump into another relationship.  I just want to be lovable again.  I want to feel like I have something to offer someone besides endless work and responsibility.  I want to be fun, spontaneous and not always feel like an imposter in my own skin.  I feel like everyone around me is wishing I would go away; just be quiet and enjoy your place.  After all, I am the one who decided to have four children and raise them alone right?   No,  I never intended this life.  I love my children more than anything in this world, but I didn't ever intend on doing this alone.  I realize now that my parents knew no more than I do when I was little.  I don't know how to do this right.  I don't know how to not mess them up, and I don't know how to do it all at once.  There is so much to do.   When one problem is handled, four more crop up in its place.  There are financial worries, school issues, social issues.  I have two children on the autism spectrum, this should be enough burden for anyone to bear, yet I also have two more children and two nephews.   I have a mortgage, I have bills, I have horrible credit and a divorce I am still paying for.  I have broken things and car accidents and vet bills.   Nobody could ever process this much stress. It would break them.  So I smile, I laugh, I make crude jokes and I swear.  I listen to loud music and love my children.  I stage protests outside of seafood restaurants and I throw theme parties.  

This is all I can do for now.

so I just need to say it once.. to get it out of my system

Nuff said...

Some days are just a loss

and Fridays are definitely those days... Right now.. there are two kids fighting over three cups and a pile of My Little Ponies. I have given up gently explaining that there is plenty to go around. Eventually I'll spray them with the water bottle if there is any dirty fighting going on. My girls can be wicked vicious!! I love my nephews, I love my nephews!

Sensitive Subjects

Kayla, my child with aspergers, is wonderful and bright. She is a great artist and is always doing something fun. I love getting her papers because you never know what little story will unfold in the edges of the paper. She draws elaborate stories all along each homework page, sometimes it is fish in the sea and other times a collection of monsters. They have great adventures... I don't let on that these are more fun to me than any grade she gets in school. I have always known she was bright but this year others are seeing it too. She was accepted into the GATE program, otherwise known as gifted and talented. Chelsie says that this is a euphemism for annoying. Kayla is real... there is no ego, no bravado, things are what they are. She doesn't realize that it is a huge honor to be accepted into this program and is only excited about the community garden that they will be planting. She scores exceptionally high on her standardized tests but is very lacking in attention span and social skills... an example.

I was given a robe that belonged to my grandmother, it is a large soft fleece robe. I have a great robe already... that I never wear so I thought Kayla might like to have this. It is soft and big.. just right for a kid to wrap up in while watching TV or to snuggle with in bed. Kayla asks "mom, did my grandmother die in this robe? I think that would be cool." I always have to think carefully about how to respond to questions like this to prevent later embarrassment. Kayla is by no means thoughtless or mean. She wants to please people and she wants to be liked but has no idea how to go about this. Death is not a taboo subject for her... neither are divorce, mental health problems, or bathroom discussions. She simply says what is on her mind in an analytical and purposeful fashion. She has no idea that a question like that could hurt someones feelings or make someone sad. I responded "Kayla, your grandmother did NOT die in that robe. I am your mother, it's ok to ask me these questions but many people might find a subject like that sad or inappropriate. I would really appreciate it if you didn't ask other people questions like this." You have to be really clear with Kayla... this subject is not ok in ANY social circles... it's not just me that finds it inappropriate. She doesn't understand that social circles everywhere are pretty much the same and that most people find the same subjects offensive. She nods knowingly... "I get it mom... it's one of those sensitive things. I won't ask anyone else... are you sure she didn't die in this? I would still like it." YES Kayla I am sure!

I am really hoping the subject doesn't come up later anyway... sometimes she just can't help herself.