Moving On

It seems like I have been moving on from so many things lately.    I am wondering when this life will halt it's endless changes and allow me to breathe.  The only thing that doesn't seem to change lately is work.  It has become my quiet place since I switched back to night shift.  The place where I am alone with my thoughts for the longest.  I don't know what I am thinking about anymore.  I fill my time with random obsessions that are meaningless and fleeting.  I think about things that are unimportant to avoid the glaring question in my head.  Where are we going?   

Where are we going?   What big thing will change this year that will make me rethink my entire life plan.  What event will make me prove yet again that I am strong and can overcome almost anything.  This life seems to test me to the end of my abilities.  It is like college in the sense that I am always waiting for the moment when it is too much.  The moment where everyone figures out that I am a fraud and I really am not as strong as I have portrayed.   I am self sacrificing to a fault.  Almost to the point that I actually refuse to do anything good for myself.  I punish myself for not being as strong, as patient, as good as the outside sees me.  I am not beautiful enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough.  If I were, I wouldn't have to work so hard for someone to love and continue loving me.  

I don't want to jump into another relationship.  I just want to be lovable again.  I want to feel like I have something to offer someone besides endless work and responsibility.  I want to be fun, spontaneous and not always feel like an imposter in my own skin.  I feel like everyone around me is wishing I would go away; just be quiet and enjoy your place.  After all, I am the one who decided to have four children and raise them alone right?   No,  I never intended this life.  I love my children more than anything in this world, but I didn't ever intend on doing this alone.  I realize now that my parents knew no more than I do when I was little.  I don't know how to do this right.  I don't know how to not mess them up, and I don't know how to do it all at once.  There is so much to do.   When one problem is handled, four more crop up in its place.  There are financial worries, school issues, social issues.  I have two children on the autism spectrum, this should be enough burden for anyone to bear, yet I also have two more children and two nephews.   I have a mortgage, I have bills, I have horrible credit and a divorce I am still paying for.  I have broken things and car accidents and vet bills.   Nobody could ever process this much stress. It would break them.  So I smile, I laugh, I make crude jokes and I swear.  I listen to loud music and love my children.  I stage protests outside of seafood restaurants and I throw theme parties.  

This is all I can do for now.