I have been thinking a lot lately about someone I used to know. My first love, although I didn't realize it at the time. I was 15 and he had leukemia. I think there was always a thought in the back of my mind that he could die but it was also a kind of surreal thought. People I knew didn't die, only old people and sick people died and Daniel had too much spirit to be a sick person. His body was weak and he was very thin, sometimes he had beautiful blond curls and other times his hair fell out and he would shave his head.
I remember pushing him to do more than he was physically able... I remember being 15 and wanting to do everything and not wanting to wait... sometimes he would be too tired and we would go without him other times we would stay home with him and I would watch him sleep. It was only in his sleep that you could see the pain in his body.
When Danny smiled his whole face shone. He had perfect small white teeth and blue eyes that were so light they looked like you could see through them. He was very pale and often had flushed cheeks that gave him a childlike quality and when he laughed you could hear the pureness of his soul. I loved him but I was very selfish at that age. I often didn't want to understand the seriousness in the situation. I didn't want to care about the fact that he was dying. Danny was a lifeline for me in the hard years that were my early teens. I had few true friends that and I often felt, as most teenagers do, that nobody really understood me. I had self esteem issues and was often the class clown because if I was funny then people would leave me alone. Danny wasn't in school... his immune system was often not strong enough and although I didn't' realize it at the time, his parents had decided that his last few years should be spent at home. His prognosis was very poor.
I had a habit at that age of seeing everyone as better than me, smarter than me. It is a habit I still fight today... I thought that Danny was always in control, and in charge of his situation. I always assumed that he was doing me a favor and that I was getting much more from our friendship than he was. I was so lucky to be his friend and I didn't' want to miss a minute that I could be spending with him. I know now that we both filled a need in each other. We had holes in our hearts that were the same, a matched pair. I lived in my parent's basement and was very reclusive... I could go days sometimes without touching another person. I needed to connect, I needed to talk, I needed unconditional friendship. Danny spent long hours alone, people left him alone because they were afraid to break him. They didn't' touch him because they were afraid of causing him pain. At times his whole body hurt, he had bone pain from the leukemia and had many bone marrow biopsies and other painful procedures. His parents both worked full time and overtime so that when he had chemo or a procedure they could afford the day off. He spent a lot of the day home. He sometimes had a nurse that came to the house but she insisted that he rest in his room most days. We both were dying to be touched. We needed to hold onto each other...
I was not a person who liked to be hugged or touched... Danny was always touching people when he talked, he always had his hand on my leg or his head on my shoulder. To this day... I can't stand to have someones head on my shoulder, it fills me with a deep loss that I can't shake. At first I used to shrug off his hand or scoot away when he sat next to me out of self consciousness but he filled me with a sense of belonging that I began to need. On days when he couldn't leave the house because his counts were too low, I carefully washed my hands and wore my mask that fogged up my glasses just so I could be near him. We would watch old movies and I would hand him his water often and I felt important. I felt as if we were sharing some experience and I was truly someone he needed. Sometimes while we were watching movies he would fall asleep.... often in the middle of a deep conversation and I would have to lay in an awkward position for hours not wanting to disturb him... I would smell his hair and the feeling of touching him filled me with belonging. We were truly equal in spirit and intellect. We could talk for hours about things and usually had most of the same opinions. Danny liked to furiously argue his point, even when I agreed with him. Sometimes I made it home before my parents got home, sometimes I didn't. I remember not caring though... I knew that they could never understand the deep need I felt and that I didn't want to share him with anyone.
I remember the 3am taco bell trips.. I remember seeing his huge smile standing over me and his blue eyes sparkling even though his face was pale and I could tell that he had been woken up too. Our mutual best friend was Nick.. Nick was deaf and British, he was also very impulsive and could be somewhat selfish. Nick was older than us by a couple years and could be funny, lively, and wonderful yet in the same breath sullen, pouty and jealous. For all intensive purposes, he was the older brother I never had... I loved him fiercely yet fought with him just as fiercely. I sometimes played cruel jokes on him and once even made him cry when I told him to find someone else to fight with. Nick had a car... and when he got you up in the middle of the night... you went. Daniel wasn't the best eater for obvious reasons... his stomach always hurt and food tasted different after chemo, but he would eat a burrito supreme from taco bell... every time, sometimes he would eat two of them. I don't' know why Nick chose 3am to go to taco bell... we could have gone anytime more convenient but for some reason this was Nick's witching hour. He said that sometimes the loudness of the silence would wake him and he just needed us. We always went even though I often fell asleep in class and almost NEVER did any homework. I remember Daniel telling me he put on four pounds in a month because of Nick's strange habit. I laughed... even though I had probably put on more than that from finishing Danny's leftovers and was slightly self conscious about it.
It was during one of these strange meetings that I got my first kiss. We were parked somewhere up by Idaho city in the woods, probably a day campground and Nick had wandered off somewhere, presumably to pee, although I don't remember him saying. Laying in the bed of Nick's pickup looking at the stars through sleepy eyes I could hear the river flowing and the feel of Danny's slow sleepy breathing it was warm on my cheek. I was almost asleep when I noticed it had been awhile since I felt a breath.... I waited a few seconds.... My heart slightly pounding I turned to face him and he was smiling... Before I had time to even be angry with him he put his hand on my face and pulled me close... The moment was so right I forgot to be afraid... I forgot all my fears about my first kiss and fell in love.. I wasn't worried about where my nose was or if I was doing it right.. I knew Danny didn't care...
Danny had a way of seeing inside of people. He was intuitive beyond belief and would often know what we were thinking before we did. He always said the right things and knew just what to do when someone was sad or hurting. I was very socially awkward and self centered even though I had no idea at the time, I was often thinking about how I looked and who was noticing me. I was always worried about being liked and one unkind word could set off a cascade of self hating lasting for days. Danny would often listen for hours about the boy at school who had called me a name, or how I felt that my life was horrible and that no one liked me. He would smile and say... "then they are wrong, cause I know what I like." I realize now, with more adult understanding that what he was going through was so much more real than what I was telling him about. I know now that he knew he was dying. He knew that the chemo, and the bone marrow biopsies were unnecessary pain that didn't much prolong the inevitable. I know, in my heart, that Danny has since passed away. I know that I left him when he really needed someone, that he loved me and he died without me. I didn't know anything about cancer I didn't know anything about the survival rates when someone had relapsed several times. I didn't really want to know what the eventual end would be. He was horribly sick for several days after treatments. I knew that he would often have to vomit without warning and was extremely embarrassed when it happened.
The only time I ever saw Danny cry was during one of these episodes. We were at the park laughing at the birds. Danny was maybe three days past his last treatment. All our friends were there Danny was being his usual life of the party self. He was talking, laughing and his eyes were shining. I was fairly quiet, just watching him, I wanted to be like him. Everyone loved him, everyone hung on his every word and waited for what he was going to say next. He was the funniest and most interesting person at the table and he didn't even know it. He was completely without ego or self consciousness. Then he began to vomit... Nicky got him to the bathroom and left him alone. When several minutes had passed, everyone had continued talking (this happened a lot) I snuck in to check on him. He was crumpled in a pile next to the toilet on the dirty floor sobbing, between sobs he violently threw up. He looked so fragile at that moment I couldn't stand to see him. I slipped back out of the bathroom and told Nicky to go check on him I was so shaken I couldn't let him know I had seen but I wish I had helped him. Instead... 20 or so minutes later Nick came out with him leaning a little on his arm. Danny was smiling but his face was impossibly pale and Nick shoved a note in my face that said "taking Danny home". I told him something lame like," hope you feel better Danny", but in that moment he was lost. His smile was plastic and his eyes were glazed. I wished I was tough enough to go home with him. to sit by his bed so he wasn't alone. There was a glow in his eyes that was almost hopeless, and a sort of quiet panic.
It was several days before I saw him again. Nick had taken him to the hospital later that day and he spent several days in and out getting fluids and anti-nausea meds. I think he had even asked for me but i was so ashamed it left a bad taste in my mouth and I avoided him. I could be like that sometimes....
When he was up to it we went on another taco bell run. We sat in Nicks truck eating and joking when he suddenly whispered, "I know you were there... I'm sorry, I'm sorry I scared you... I'm sorry I scare everyone... whatever..."
"Danny don't say whatever, you sound like a valley girl" was all I managed and he laughed... He knew I meant more... he had to.
It is the way of the world; that someone as wonderful, musical, and full of life as Danny would have to be dying. At the age of fifteen this irony was lost on me and so was Danny eventually. My parents divorced, we moved away. I called him a few times but eventually the calls got further and further apart. The last conversation we had he was laughing and talking about Nick's latest antics and he said, "I miss taco bell." I laughed and said "it's still there, jeeze Danny, I miss you too"
"You know that's what I meant" he said.
It felt like the right time to ask and so I said "how is it really going, how are you really?" I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I didn't really want to know. I didn't want to worry about him and I didn't want to see his pain. I wanted him to always be there to listen and have someone to call when I needed to complain. I wanted to hurt him by telling him about my latest dates and which guys liked me. I wanted it to be superficial and funny. I wanted to make jokes and rewind my last statement.... Please... please let him tell a joke so I don't have to face his reality.
His voice became papery and somewhat harsh... It was the only time he ever talked this way to me. He said "didn't you know Janelle?"
"What??" I said. I felt a little scared.
He said, "it's been a losing battle from the start."
I felt empty.... I didn't really want to know how he was. I really just wanted life to go by somewhat devoid of negative emotion. I didn't want to feel the guilt I had, and the sadness I was going to feel when I lost him. It just wasn't real and I didn't want to face it. We talked for another half hour or so.. joking and laughing but that statement stayed with us, hovering like a shadow above the rest of our conversation. His voice had become somehow thinner, as if admitting to the inevitability of his life had taken some life from him. When we were ready to hang up after several goodbyes he said "I meant to say I missed you, I hope you know that. "
"Love you Danny", I said... and the shadow disappeared. It was several weeks before I tried his number again... It was disconnected.
I know in my heart he is gone... but sometimes I hope that someday he will call me. He will find me. He will have a beautiful charismatic wife and three little boys and I will see him again.
