Moving On

It seems like I have been moving on from so many things lately.    I am wondering when this life will halt it's endless changes and allow me to breathe.  The only thing that doesn't seem to change lately is work.  It has become my quiet place since I switched back to night shift.  The place where I am alone with my thoughts for the longest.  I don't know what I am thinking about anymore.  I fill my time with random obsessions that are meaningless and fleeting.  I think about things that are unimportant to avoid the glaring question in my head.  Where are we going?   

Where are we going?   What big thing will change this year that will make me rethink my entire life plan.  What event will make me prove yet again that I am strong and can overcome almost anything.  This life seems to test me to the end of my abilities.  It is like college in the sense that I am always waiting for the moment when it is too much.  The moment where everyone figures out that I am a fraud and I really am not as strong as I have portrayed.   I am self sacrificing to a fault.  Almost to the point that I actually refuse to do anything good for myself.  I punish myself for not being as strong, as patient, as good as the outside sees me.  I am not beautiful enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough.  If I were, I wouldn't have to work so hard for someone to love and continue loving me.  

I don't want to jump into another relationship.  I just want to be lovable again.  I want to feel like I have something to offer someone besides endless work and responsibility.  I want to be fun, spontaneous and not always feel like an imposter in my own skin.  I feel like everyone around me is wishing I would go away; just be quiet and enjoy your place.  After all, I am the one who decided to have four children and raise them alone right?   No,  I never intended this life.  I love my children more than anything in this world, but I didn't ever intend on doing this alone.  I realize now that my parents knew no more than I do when I was little.  I don't know how to do this right.  I don't know how to not mess them up, and I don't know how to do it all at once.  There is so much to do.   When one problem is handled, four more crop up in its place.  There are financial worries, school issues, social issues.  I have two children on the autism spectrum, this should be enough burden for anyone to bear, yet I also have two more children and two nephews.   I have a mortgage, I have bills, I have horrible credit and a divorce I am still paying for.  I have broken things and car accidents and vet bills.   Nobody could ever process this much stress. It would break them.  So I smile, I laugh, I make crude jokes and I swear.  I listen to loud music and love my children.  I stage protests outside of seafood restaurants and I throw theme parties.  

This is all I can do for now.

so I just need to say it once.. to get it out of my system

Nuff said...

Some days are just a loss

and Fridays are definitely those days... Right now.. there are two kids fighting over three cups and a pile of My Little Ponies. I have given up gently explaining that there is plenty to go around. Eventually I'll spray them with the water bottle if there is any dirty fighting going on. My girls can be wicked vicious!! I love my nephews, I love my nephews!

Sensitive Subjects

Kayla, my child with aspergers, is wonderful and bright. She is a great artist and is always doing something fun. I love getting her papers because you never know what little story will unfold in the edges of the paper. She draws elaborate stories all along each homework page, sometimes it is fish in the sea and other times a collection of monsters. They have great adventures... I don't let on that these are more fun to me than any grade she gets in school. I have always known she was bright but this year others are seeing it too. She was accepted into the GATE program, otherwise known as gifted and talented. Chelsie says that this is a euphemism for annoying. Kayla is real... there is no ego, no bravado, things are what they are. She doesn't realize that it is a huge honor to be accepted into this program and is only excited about the community garden that they will be planting. She scores exceptionally high on her standardized tests but is very lacking in attention span and social skills... an example.

I was given a robe that belonged to my grandmother, it is a large soft fleece robe. I have a great robe already... that I never wear so I thought Kayla might like to have this. It is soft and big.. just right for a kid to wrap up in while watching TV or to snuggle with in bed. Kayla asks "mom, did my grandmother die in this robe? I think that would be cool." I always have to think carefully about how to respond to questions like this to prevent later embarrassment. Kayla is by no means thoughtless or mean. She wants to please people and she wants to be liked but has no idea how to go about this. Death is not a taboo subject for her... neither are divorce, mental health problems, or bathroom discussions. She simply says what is on her mind in an analytical and purposeful fashion. She has no idea that a question like that could hurt someones feelings or make someone sad. I responded "Kayla, your grandmother did NOT die in that robe. I am your mother, it's ok to ask me these questions but many people might find a subject like that sad or inappropriate. I would really appreciate it if you didn't ask other people questions like this." You have to be really clear with Kayla... this subject is not ok in ANY social circles... it's not just me that finds it inappropriate. She doesn't understand that social circles everywhere are pretty much the same and that most people find the same subjects offensive. She nods knowingly... "I get it mom... it's one of those sensitive things. I won't ask anyone else... are you sure she didn't die in this? I would still like it." YES Kayla I am sure!

I am really hoping the subject doesn't come up later anyway... sometimes she just can't help herself.

FALL

Fall is my next favorite season... Lots is always going on. Chilly outside and LOVE the rain. Kinda hard to get the kids outside though and I must admit they kind of drive me crazy. I think we were hit by the lovely swine flu, my kids are so darn tough though.. Not a complaint even though Olivia had a temp of 104 twice. I can hear her sad little cough.. they are all in my bed. Wonder where I am sleeping. Chels has been over a ton and I am having a lot of fun getting closer to the boys. They are a wonderfully loud addition to the normal action around here. Gotta love it. Can't wait for Halloween!!

My babies

 

Weird compliments

Kids have a different veiw of things that are nice to say than adults do. The things that they think are a compliment are not always very flattering. It is funny to listen to them trying to figure out the social code.

for example, my mother's day card from Kayla this year says:

If my mom were a flower she would be a lovely flower, she is the most lovelely person.
If my mom were a super hero, she would be batgirl because she has never been on a plane before. If she were a car she would be a race car because her love is fast to catch. If she were a tv show she would be Silly Love because she is silly but I love it.

On the back is a picture of a snake covered in hearts and above that reads "my mom is as lovely as a snake".


hmm... wonder what that means.

Kayla's friend Cass, who I believe has a simaler disabilty as Kayla once told me I was as beautiful as a horse.

Olivia says that "you are beautiful cause you are big"

I told Ava I loved her today.. she says "I love sharks"

You know... I really do feel loved anyway. :)