NOT a crazy cat lady

Slice of Time

2012-01-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

Kayla is 11. Just starting the teenage attitude. She finally got into the charter school I have been dreaming about since we moved here. It is totally her place, a school of the arts. She seems to be between a little girl and a full blown teen right now. Not as excited about toys and playing at the park, yet still wants to do kid things like play in bounce houses and dig in the dirt. She can be the most helpful person on the planet sometimes without even being asked, but other times will snap at any thing and growls at her sisters. Her favorite place is on her bike, she could ride for hours, and just got her first adult size bike. I don't even remember teaching her to ride without training wheels and that makes me sort of sad. I love the way she gets up happy in the morning, agreeable and will even make a pot of coffee for me. I love the way she takes tireless care of her animals. She never gets tired of collecting eggs and feeding/watering the chickens. She is growing a cherry tree from a cherry pit in her room. I can't even keep an air fern alive. She is loving learning to cook and be responsible for her own needs however still gets bored and afraid when alone in the early morning. This is her first time without daycare.

Olivia is still most of the time no trouble at all. She doesn't usually argue and complain but will mother everyone in the house if I let her. She likes to have long conversations about the cat and what the expressions on his face mean. She got her training wheels off this year and has been riding in the early mornings with me to farmers market downtown. She loves to pick out veggies and plants for our garden and is always excited to go places and do things. I love the way she gets enthusiastic even when I change plans last minute and the way she is positive most of the time. She helps with Ruby without even being asked. She is forever flexible and even when things don't go her way, she can usually see the light in the situation eventually. She is like me in that way, needs to have her initial freak out... then works it out and can be happy anyway.

Ava started Kindergarten this year. She is going to school with Olivia at Sherman. She was totally thrilled this year to be starting school and is even more excited about packing her own lunch in her kitty lunch box with the pink water bottle. She is joy in motion. Passionate about every decision she makes. She has recently learned the art of teasing from her older sisters and we go through lots of tough moments because she just can't seem to help poking the bear with a stick. Her favorite phrase is "mom, was that helpful?" She wants to be helpful and good but her mischievous side always takes a step forward. She is still as determined as she was as an infant and will work furiously for something she wants. At school she is usually good and follows the rules but at home... Well... there is a pecking order and Ava ranks in the top two.

Ruby is both fun and a challenge. She is my wild baby. Ruby plays tricks on people. She is talking more and more and becoming understandable. We are figuring out that she has a very quirky sense of humor. She will sometimes come out of my room with an entirely different outfit, everything on backwards and state "mom, Ruby did it self!!" Then she laughs like she just said the funniest thing. She has toy gears on the fridge that she plays with and a six pack of toy eggs that snap apart. These are her favorite things. She always has to ask every time we are going somewhere "eggs can come?" If the answer is no, she usually asks if her toy Blue Jay can come. If I say no toys.. she usually crumples on the floor in anger but these tantrums are getting less frequent. She loves her grandma and says, "this grandma's blue jay or mine" (meaning grandma gave it to her) She is still frequently a cat and is excellent at mimicking their behaviours... even down to itching her ear with her foot and then licking it afterwards. (ick) I have to tell her cats aren't allowed at the table though because she will try to eat her food with her face while running around on all fours.

At night, after Ruby goes to bed we all snuggle in my bed and watch Ghost Whisperer. Its funny how they get scared and love the excitement. We still spend a lot of time at the lake. It's a little more difficult now that I go it alone, but well worth it, almost every trip out there is pure relaxation and fun. We don't tend to have as much conflict during fun times anymore. It gets a little more rewarding all the time as they grow and are able to help out more. Takes less time to get to the fun parts, and less packing.

Ruby Pox

2012-01-27T23:14:00.002-07:00

My sister drew this... my life in pictures

Determination

2012-01-24T22:55:00.001-07:00

While on a trip to Moscow to visit the sister and nephews, Ava lost her tooth. It was barely loose when we left town and three days later she had wiggled it tirelessly to it's eventual liberation. I didn't want it getting lost on the trip so I put it in a GIANT ziplock in my purse. She was fascinated by her newly separated body part though and would not leave the tooth alone. I told her that the tooth fairy couldn't come when we got home if she didn't leave the tooth alone. We had less than 24 hours left at my sister's and I didn't want to deal with the ritual at her house with 7 handsy children in the house. At one point my nephew was suspiciously nosing around my purse. Ava had recently gotten a speaking to about trying to sneak her tooth again so I asked him what he might be up to. "getting Ava's tooth" he said. You have to love a boy with clear motives. I asked him why he was getting the tooth... "Ava wants it" was his answer. Again I talked to her about what would happen if she lost the tooth. She complained off and on the whole 7 hour drive and repeatedly asked why she couldn't have the tooth in the car. "mamma... I just need to look at it!!" I let her look, but she wouldn't leave it in the bag and within several hours of being home she had lost the tooth somewhere in the house never to be seen again.

This is where I feel like a bad mom. I feel strongly that consequences must come from both the parents and external sources. I truly believe that in order for a child to learn responsibility for themselves and their actions that motivation to do what is right must be gained from the outside world. In other words... I don't steal because bad things will happen to me in the world. When they see that consequences are universal, both good and bad then they also begin to form a basis of morality. I don't do bad because bad things happen eventually becomes I don't do bad because I am a good person. If a child is to learn self control then motivation to be good must be in place via natural consequence. I am not the bad guy... the universe hands out punishments and rewards and I am here to teach you how to get the most out of life because I love you.

SO... the tooth fairy didn't come for Ava. A week later she pulled her own tooth. This time the tooth fairy came... I am floored at the tenacity of this small child.

Things that happen at my house

2012-01-18T23:29:00.001-07:00

Ruby has had hives now for a week. I was sure they came from my mom's house while playing with the dogs. When the school nurse called, insisting that they looked like chicken pox, I denied this I am a pediatric nurse after all, I would KNOW if my child had chicken pox. A few days later I examined the hives... they had crusted over and were mainly on her trunk.

They looked exactly like chicken pox. Ahem... sorry other parents.

One cold winter day, Ava and Ruby were coughing. I was worried about Ruby because she had thrown up several times. This had led to a hospital admission in the past because she will keep throwing up sometimes and not stop until she gets fluids. I drove into the pediatricians with both kids laughing, coughing, playing and talking. I discussed my worries about Ruby's vomiting episodes. The ped listened to her lungs, then heard Ava cough and listened to hers too. Both had pneumonia and needed steroids, antibiotics, and neb treatments. She was so concerned she actually made us sit while they did a neb treatment in the office.

And to think I once carried Kayla into the ER for a pulled muscle.

Conclusion... sometimes it sucks to be the youngest.

Not nice

2012-01-13T23:54:00.002-07:00

I made the kids clean their room with me until 1130pm tonight. They shot me daggers with their eyes, however I believe sometimes life is too posh in these quarters. Now they can ride bikes in their room... see, I'm not such a mean mommy after all.

Overheard in the car

2012-01-12T22:42:00.002-07:00

Olivia: We all have germs. I have germs, you have germs and mom has germs. Ava has the most germs cause of always itching her butt.

Ruby: EWWWWWW!!

Ava: well, my butt always bees itchy!!

Today

2011-12-01T13:10:00.001-07:00

Today I ran all the way to the social security office to change my name and was told that they can't help me because the stamp on my document is the wrong color.

Today I had a nice clean and good smelling house so I decided to clean the oven. It must have been awhile because now the entire house is smokey and smells like toasted ass hair.

Today I was proud to be home in time to have lunch ready for my preschooler and she said NO LIKE IT NUGGET when she walked in the door. Then she ate 9 of them.

Today I have seen RIO twice.

Today I planned on running on my treadmill but will probably settle for Rio a third time.

Today I laughed 100 times.
Today I smiled all day.
Today I had coffee with my favorite 5 year old in the world.

I can't wait for tomorrow

Cupcake wins

2011-10-06T23:11:00.001-06:00

I tried to tell myself "self, if you had something better to do then you wouldn't be eating that cupcake" It didn't work because I am capable of doing most things while eating a cupcake.

2011-08-12T00:02:00.001-06:00

Well I did one thing on my list. Unfortunately it was drink excessively

OO OOO OOO and I made cupcakes!!!!!

I did get the kids registered for school, no uniforms still. Everyone in the office says """The codes should work""""

Um... well... they don't

2011-08-11T01:00:00.003-06:00

Did I mention...

School uniform logos must be embroidered on! No patches...etc...

I once sewed my underwear all shut

CHARTER SCHOOLS ROCK!

2011-08-11T00:51:00.002-06:00

my kid made it!! Whew... under the wire. I was so afraid of her starting middle school. I know in my heart that she needed this. This school will cater to her creative soul and nurture her strengths. A school of the arts. This may mean the difference between a gas station job in her future and a shot at a doctorate. Thank you universe!

So.. i have to make lists to sleep. here is my to-do list for tomorrow

Shit to do

Go to the store for toilet paper and lightbulbs... maybe throw some food in there too

Go to schools: need birth certs, shot records and proof of residency

Get my TB test read by random nurse

Drink excessively

Mortgage papers

School loan

Find out how to get the stupid school logo on my kid's uniforms

buy said uniforms

Rebuy all her school supplies since I bought the list for dreaded middle school

my kid needs a jump drive and headphones..... HOW COOL IS THIS SCHOOL????

Judgment day

2011-08-09T22:38:00.004-06:00

I was told today by a Dr that my freak factor was high. I guess I deserve this. It is an interesting concept to think about the way you portray yourself to the outside world. I guess I have thought about it a lot but have never been able to really grasp what it is when other people see me. I have varying ideas about what it is that I actually want to be seen. It is probably very basic. I am sure it is only the tattoos that people see, and that is alright. I think it is easier to know that nobody is truly looking into my heart. Sometimes I don't feel like there is much to see. I feel empty sometimes. My dreams are all expectations of the way things are supposed to be. My world is a reflection of what not to do. I don't really have much envy for those who have more, only curiosity of what it must be like to see through their eyes. I have moments of judgement, but for the most part, I understand somewhat what it must feel like to be in some others shoes. I know the feeling of acceptance that comes with drawing all of your resources together only to come up empty handed. I know the desperation of trying to make 5 dollars into 500. I know how it feels when your life stretches out in front of you as a big question mark. How time slips through your fingers and the things you should have done, mistakes you make all add up to one question. Why does this never work out how I planned? I watch the sadness caused by all consuming addictions that in the end, even consume your personality and I know that not everyone was born with intelligence and resourcefulness in their toolbox of life. Not everyone can grow up to be successful, there must always be people who just do it wrong. I tell these things to my coworkers in the hopes that I am responsible for one kind word, or one kind thought. I don't know if anyone is listening, but apparently, I have a high freak factor.

DancingQueens.wmv

2011-07-20T18:54:00.000-06:00

FYI

2011-07-20T11:23:00.000-06:00

stress makes you fat.... and so does Mcdonalds

This is me delegating

2011-07-20T00:43:00.003-06:00

PICK SOMETHING AND DO IT! Kisses!

I can't go to work today.. my zombies are ready!!

2011-07-19T23:45:00.002-06:00

Or something equally important...

fairy tales

2011-07-17T22:28:00.003-06:00

I remember those public service videos in grade school. They were black and white and usually frighteningly futuristic. Designed to scare us into learning some valuable moral lesson that somehow our parents had sadly neglected to teach us. There was the one about the robots, robots cleaning our house, robots working in the yard, robot teachers, robot janitors. It ended with some ridiculous propaganda about running out of water that made absolutely no sense and left me thinking about robots in space with the whole world's water supply. There was the one called Lottery, where the world's population had become so overwhelming that resources were used up and there was not enough food to go around. People were living in some sort of dark age with dirt floors. Filthy children wandered the streets begging and looking generally frightened and feral. It ended in a gruesome scene where the lottery was drawn and the winners were stoned in the streets to conserve resources.

Another one was a planet that was sick, the air was toxic and there was no food or water. People had built communities underground and had forgotten what the sun looked like..... rather grim.

The one that affected me most was the one about the crazy old lady next door, everyone was afraid of her and called her witch. The meaner the neighborhood kids got the crankier the lady became. One day a little girl lost her ball in the yard and after finally getting the courage to go into the yard and get it found out that the lady was wonderful, sad and sweet. Her children and husband were all dead and she was only mean because the children teased her. The little girl started finding reasons to visit the old lady and did random chores just to hear her amazing stories about her past. The little girl's mother was proud and praised her for having such a caring spirit and spending time with the old woman. Eventually word got out to the little girl's friends that she was spending time with the neighborhood witch and they began to tease her. For the old woman's birthday, the two of them had planned a wonderful dinner party for just the two of them. The woman joyfully cooked all day, decorated and cleaned her house for the first time in years. Meanwhile the girl's friends teased her about her strange relationship with the old woman.... she began to feel bad and then decided to skip the party even though she was as excited as the old woman. The thing I remember most about these stories is there was no happy ending. The movie ended with the girl feeling like an ass and the old woman sobbing over her hard work lost. I remember making a happy ending in my mind just to cope with the sadness that was usually hidden from children's eyes and minds. I began to grasp that sometimes life was like that. Not everyone gets their happy ending... sometimes we end the story alone and sobbing over a cold meal that no one will eat. Sometimes the dog is euthanized in the pound, sometimes Maude doesn't wake from the coma. I still see the old woman.... I see her loneliness and her desperation for human touch.

I am easy on my children . I try to protect them from hurt. I replace things that are broken from carelessness sometimes. I try to stall the realization that the fairy tale may never happen to them.... I stall it and listen to them laugh for just a little longer.

Yes folks... I am still here

2011-07-17T03:43:00.000-06:00

Although decidedly less outspoken. Once again it is summertime and while last year I was overwhelmed with the things I had to do and the huge amount of work left to me by the other... this year I feel I have a hold on at least half of it. I am loving this summer and now with a million less people living here I am feeling like it is finally not too much for one person to handle. Last year I was ambivalent. There seemed to be a huge outcry from the house and the yard and the kids and the job. Everyone wanted my attention all at once. I was attempting the dating scene... and hating it. It was just another thing crying for my attention. I let the lawn die and the weeds grow. When questioned about it I simply stated... I want my house to be seen from space. A big white spot on the satellite view of Idaho. AND also sometimes I said SUCK IT!

I have come to grips with the fact that I am to be perpetually single. I like it that way, I like doing things in my own time, when I want and how I want. I like to use both dressers in my room and I like the kids in my bed in the evenings watching ghost whisperer. I like the chickens in the backyard and I like working in the garden at 9pm.

All in all... this life is good.

Things I love

2011-02-24T00:37:00.004-07:00

I LOVE

watching a mom see her child for the very first time.

telling parents tiny individual details I have discovered about their child that makes them unique and precious.

Knowing that these tiny details secure me as a safe person to trust with their most treasured person and that even though I take care of babies all the time, this one is special.

watching parents fall in love with their baby and knowing that this little person is amazing

the tears that sting my eyes when I watch a mother learn to breastfeed a child that I admitted intubated only 2 days prior.

When all the doctors leave the room and the parents look at me as if to say, "now what is really going on?"

The feeling that I know what is really going on, and the ability to take time to explain it in a way that they will understand.

Knowing that the amazing people I work with will take care of this baby when I go home, and I can sleep soundly because he is as safe with them as he was with me

That even when the outcome isn't favorable, I have given at least one moment of comfort and human contact on my shift

Really truly caring about the outcome of my work

Ageism

2010-11-19T09:44:00.001-07:00

You know you are getting old when your date matches on Eharmony list "staying active" as what they like to do in leisure time.

Kids is weird

2010-11-19T00:56:00.001-07:00

My four year old Ava is sometimes very needy, especially when she knows I am going to work that night. Every work night it is the same conversation:

Ava: mom, I don't want you to go to work, chelsie isn't happy at me.
Mom: I have to go to work Ava
Ava: why? Cause you gots to feed us?
Mom: yes, and pay for power and a place to live and clean water
Ava: why do those babies has to get sick? Are they alone with the doctors right now?
Mom: the babies are sick because they were born too little. I have to take care of them because it's my turn, the other nurses want to go home to their little girls
Ava: I'm gonna be a nurf when I grow up, I don't want you to go to work.

Tonight the kids got to call their dad in Arizona. Olivia talked about school, Ava talked about her new necklace and ruby yelled g'night in the phone and said hi you daddy. When it was Kayla's turn to talk she declined. "come talk to your dad!" I said through clenched teeth. "but mom, this is an important moment in science!! I am watching the first ever autopsy of a colossal squid on Netflix!!!! They haven't ever gotten to dissect one before!!!!". Then she says " ok I'll come talk.... But I'm pausing this thing!!!". Interesting to me that this important moment in science can wait while you are on the phone.

Ava: mommy, mommy, mommy
Mom: who are you??? Where did you even come from????
Ava: I come from inside your computer!

Quinn: waaaaaa waaaaaaa dodoodododododododod dodododododo
Emo: hey annoying... Go play on your room!
Quinn: I'm not annoying, I'm batman!!!

Mom: Ruby, I love you
Ruby: YOU, go nite night!!!!!!

Kayla: I don't know what I was thinking when I ate that caterpillar ... I mean... Why didn't I just use my finger in the fun dip???

Ava: mom, Quinn hit me on my circle head

Quinn: mom, say you love me
Chelsie: I love you
Quinn: I love you too captain

Poison

2010-11-12T01:56:00.001-07:00

Poison In My Veins
Artist(Band):Bayside

The night sky's black, and I'm awake, lying on the ground
The grass beneath my feet is hard and cold just like I've come to be
The stars are gone behind the clouds, and I can't see a thing
So I'll just let my eyes stay closed just like me
I can't open up

Cuz I'm all wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

There's something in an empty bed that makes it hard to close your eyes
It can eat at you 'til they both turn black and blue
And all you want is a reason you should live or a way for you to die
A way for you to die

Cuz I'm all wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

The ground's opening up
I'm falling down below
An endless fall into a place that I don't think a child should know
I'm screaming out a name that could never pass my lips
The poison in my veins that got me through her kiss

Cuz I'm wrong, and I don't see a chance to fix this head
So just give up
Write me off, pretend I don't exist

The ground's opening up
I'm falling down below
An endless fall into a place that I don't think a child should know
I'm screaming out a name that could never pass my lips
The poison in my veins that got me through her kiss

Now I'm too hung up on that to have anything with you
The poison in my veins
The poison in my veins
The poison in my veins that got me through.

Moving On

2010-11-01T01:34:00.003-06:00

It seems like I have been moving on from so many things lately. I am wondering when this life will halt it's endless changes and allow me to breathe. The only thing that doesn't seem to change lately is work. It has become my quiet place since I switched back to night shift. The place where I am alone with my thoughts for the longest. I don't know what I am thinking about anymore. I fill my time with random obsessions that are meaningless and fleeting. I think about things that are unimportant to avoid the glaring question in my head. Where are we going?

Where are we going? What big thing will change this year that will make me rethink my entire life plan. What event will make me prove yet again that I am strong and can overcome almost anything. This life seems to test me to the end of my abilities. It is like college in the sense that I am always waiting for the moment when it is too much. The moment where everyone figures out that I am a fraud and I really am not as strong as I have portrayed. I am self sacrificing to a fault. Almost to the point that I actually refuse to do anything good for myself. I punish myself for not being as strong, as patient, as good as the outside sees me. I am not beautiful enough, I am not smart enough, I am not good enough. If I were, I wouldn't have to work so hard for someone to love and continue loving me.

I don't want to jump into another relationship. I just want to be lovable again. I want to feel like I have something to offer someone besides endless work and responsibility. I want to be fun, spontaneous and not always feel like an imposter in my own skin. I feel like everyone around me is wishing I would go away; just be quiet and enjoy your place. After all, I am the one who decided to have four children and raise them alone right? No, I never intended this life. I love my children more than anything in this world, but I didn't ever intend on doing this alone. I realize now that my parents knew no more than I do when I was little. I don't know how to do this right. I don't know how to not mess them up, and I don't know how to do it all at once. There is so much to do. When one problem is handled, four more crop up in its place. There are financial worries, school issues, social issues. I have two children on the autism spectrum, this should be enough burden for anyone to bear, yet I also have two more children and two nephews. I have a mortgage, I have bills, I have horrible credit and a divorce I am still paying for. I have broken things and car accidents and vet bills. Nobody could ever process this much stress. It would break them. So I smile, I laugh, I make crude jokes and I swear. I listen to loud music and love my children. I stage protests outside of seafood restaurants and I throw theme parties.

This is all I can do for now.

so I just need to say it once.. to get it out of my system

2010-03-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

Nuff said...

Some days are just a loss

2009-12-04T14:31:00.005-07:00

and Fridays are definitely those days... Right now.. there are two kids fighting over three cups and a pile of My Little Ponies. I have given up gently explaining that there is plenty to go around. Eventually I'll spray them with the water bottle if there is any dirty fighting going on. My girls can be wicked vicious!! I love my nephews, I love my nephews!

Sensitive Subjects

2009-11-18T23:37:00.007-07:00

Kayla, my child with aspergers, is wonderful and bright. She is a great artist and is always doing something fun. I love getting her papers because you never know what little story will unfold in the edges of the paper. She draws elaborate stories all along each homework page, sometimes it is fish in the sea and other times a collection of monsters. They have great adventures... I don't let on that these are more fun to me than any grade she gets in school. I have always known she was bright but this year others are seeing it too. She was accepted into the GATE program, otherwise known as gifted and talented. Chelsie says that this is a euphemism for annoying. Kayla is real... there is no ego, no bravado, things are what they are. She doesn't realize that it is a huge honor to be accepted into this program and is only excited about the community garden that they will be planting. She scores exceptionally high on her standardized tests but is very lacking in attention span and social skills... an example.

I was given a robe that belonged to my grandmother, it is a large soft fleece robe. I have a great robe already... that I never wear so I thought Kayla might like to have this. It is soft and big.. just right for a kid to wrap up in while watching TV or to snuggle with in bed. Kayla asks "mom, did my grandmother die in this robe? I think that would be cool." I always have to think carefully about how to respond to questions like this to prevent later embarrassment. Kayla is by no means thoughtless or mean. She wants to please people and she wants to be liked but has no idea how to go about this. Death is not a taboo subject for her... neither are divorce, mental health problems, or bathroom discussions. She simply says what is on her mind in an analytical and purposeful fashion. She has no idea that a question like that could hurt someones feelings or make someone sad. I responded "Kayla, your grandmother did NOT die in that robe. I am your mother, it's ok to ask me these questions but many people might find a subject like that sad or inappropriate. I would really appreciate it if you didn't ask other people questions like this." You have to be really clear with Kayla... this subject is not ok in ANY social circles... it's not just me that finds it inappropriate. She doesn't understand that social circles everywhere are pretty much the same and that most people find the same subjects offensive. She nods knowingly... "I get it mom... it's one of those sensitive things. I won't ask anyone else... are you sure she didn't die in this? I would still like it." YES Kayla I am sure!

I am really hoping the subject doesn't come up later anyway... sometimes she just can't help herself.

FALL

2009-10-17T00:59:00.003-06:00

Fall is my next favorite season... Lots is always going on. Chilly outside and LOVE the rain. Kinda hard to get the kids outside though and I must admit they kind of drive me crazy. I think we were hit by the lovely swine flu, my kids are so darn tough though.. Not a complaint even though Olivia had a temp of 104 twice. I can hear her sad little cough.. they are all in my bed. Wonder where I am sleeping. Chels has been over a ton and I am having a lot of fun getting closer to the boys. They are a wonderfully loud addition to the normal action around here. Gotta love it. Can't wait for Halloween!!

My babies

2009-09-07T21:55:00.000-06:00

Weird compliments

2009-08-07T01:51:00.003-06:00

Kids have a different veiw of things that are nice to say than adults do. The things that they think are a compliment are not always very flattering. It is funny to listen to them trying to figure out the social code.

for example, my mother's day card from Kayla this year says:

If my mom were a flower she would be a lovely flower, she is the most lovelely person.
If my mom were a super hero, she would be batgirl because she has never been on a plane before. If she were a car she would be a race car because her love is fast to catch. If she were a tv show she would be Silly Love because she is silly but I love it.

On the back is a picture of a snake covered in hearts and above that reads "my mom is as lovely as a snake".

hmm... wonder what that means.

Kayla's friend Cass, who I believe has a simaler disabilty as Kayla once told me I was as beautiful as a horse.

Olivia says that "you are beautiful cause you are big"

I told Ava I loved her today.. she says "I love sharks"

You know... I really do feel loved anyway. :)

funny girl

2009-07-28T23:59:00.006-06:00

I came home to wild Ava with her pants on backwards and no shirt... her hair is standing straight on end and she is screaming MOMMY MOMMY I miss u TWO days!!!! She asked if I have to work. I said nope, mommy is home now. "good u stay home with "EBA". (she calls herself eba, it reminds me of the Wall-E character.) She says "mommy, clean this bathroom. Clean the toilet, the sink, and here (pointing at the mirror) It's dirty." I asked her if she would help me. "Nope". I asked if daddy was going to help. "Nope, u do it yourself, daddy did the dishes."

She is so funny... She stands on the bathroom counter dictating at me. I asked her why she is standing on the counter and she says. "it fun".

It amazes me how smart she is. She knows that she sleeps in my bed when dad is gone for work. "She says, daddy workin? I sleep in mommy's nite nite. It Fun. I watch Curious George." There is always something funny coming out of her mouth these days. I want to write it all down before I forget it but something is always distracting me and then I can't remember.

We have had a busy couple weeks. It is too hot to stay home, everyone wants to be in the water. We have been swimming at mel's house, and the water park. Can't go to the lake right now cause of toxic alge... bummer, but there is still a lot to do. Sometimes we just go to the rec center, which is fun but a little scary.. Ava doesn't think she has any limitations and neither does Olivia. One time the life guard had to jump in and save Olivia (who was right behind me) cause she scooted her way in over her head and got scared. She still tries to do this but I keep a much better eye out. It was a little nerve racking and the life guard was pretty grumpy about the whole thing.

The newest thing the kids have been doing lately is horse riding. Kayla is pretty much a natural. Well... she is at most things. She rides that horse like she has been doing it her whole life. I love watching her. Everyone was scared the first time on the horse but now it is like they LIVE to do it. Ava rides the horse without me holding onto her and Ruby even got on. Olivia is a little leary still but she did ride once without hands on help from me and Mel. We of course stay close and follow the horse when the little's ride but Kayla is pretty much on her own. She can lead the horses and put their bridles on. She can even brush them and mount the horse on her own. I am in complete amazement that it took so little instruction. It gets kind of freaky though with only two adults and five or six kids, but Mel is great. She becomes my other pair of eyes and makes sure the kids are following all the rules. She is wonderfully patient with them and takes time to explain things over and over. I am so glad I found her for a friend.

Missin Danny

2009-07-09T13:15:00.006-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about someone I used to know. My first love, although I didn't realize it at the time. I was 15 and he had leukemia. I think there was always a thought in the back of my mind that he could die but it was also a kind of surreal thought. People I knew didn't die, only old people and sick people died and Daniel had too much spirit to be a sick person. His body was weak and he was very thin, sometimes he had beautiful blond curls and other times his hair fell out and he would shave his head.

I remember pushing him to do more than he was physically able... I remember being 15 and wanting to do everything and not wanting to wait... sometimes he would be too tired and we would go without him other times we would stay home with him and I would watch him sleep. It was only in his sleep that you could see the pain in his body.

When Danny smiled his whole face shone. He had perfect small white teeth and blue eyes that were so light they looked like you could see through them. He was very pale and often had flushed cheeks that gave him a childlike quality and when he laughed you could hear the pureness of his soul. I loved him but I was very selfish at that age. I often didn't want to understand the seriousness in the situation. I didn't want to care about the fact that he was dying. Danny was a lifeline for me in the hard years that were my early teens. I had few true friends that and I often felt, as most teenagers do, that nobody really understood me. I had self esteem issues and was often the class clown because if I was funny then people would leave me alone. Danny wasn't in school... his immune system was often not strong enough and although I didn't' realize it at the time, his parents had decided that his last few years should be spent at home. His prognosis was very poor.

I had a habit at that age of seeing everyone as better than me, smarter than me. It is a habit I still fight today... I thought that Danny was always in control, and in charge of his situation. I always assumed that he was doing me a favor and that I was getting much more from our friendship than he was. I was so lucky to be his friend and I didn't' want to miss a minute that I could be spending with him. I know now that we both filled a need in each other. We had holes in our hearts that were the same, a matched pair. I lived in my parent's basement and was very reclusive... I could go days sometimes without touching another person. I needed to connect, I needed to talk, I needed unconditional friendship. Danny spent long hours alone, people left him alone because they were afraid to break him. They didn't' touch him because they were afraid of causing him pain. At times his whole body hurt, he had bone pain from the leukemia and had many bone marrow biopsies and other painful procedures. His parents both worked full time and overtime so that when he had chemo or a procedure they could afford the day off. He spent a lot of the day home. He sometimes had a nurse that came to the house but she insisted that he rest in his room most days. We both were dying to be touched. We needed to hold onto each other...

I was not a person who liked to be hugged or touched... Danny was always touching people when he talked, he always had his hand on my leg or his head on my shoulder. To this day... I can't stand to have someones head on my shoulder, it fills me with a deep loss that I can't shake. At first I used to shrug off his hand or scoot away when he sat next to me out of self consciousness but he filled me with a sense of belonging that I began to need. On days when he couldn't leave the house because his counts were to low, I carefully washed my hands and wore my mask that fogged up my glasses just so I could be near him. We would watch old movies and I would hand him his water often and I felt important. I felt as if we were sharing some experience and I was truly someone he needed. Sometimes while we were watching movies he would fall asleep.... often in the middle of a deep conversation and I would have to lay in an awkward position for hours not wanting to disturb him... I would smell his hair and the feeling of touching him filled me with belonging. We were truly equal in spirit and intellect. We could talk for hours about things and usually had most of the same opinions. Danny liked to furiously argue his point, even when I agreed with him. Sometimes I made it home before my parents got home, sometimes I didn't. I remember not caring though... I knew that they could never understand the deep need I felt and that I didn't want to share him with anyone.

I remember the 3am taco bell trips.. I remember seeing his huge smile standing over me and his blue eyes sparkling even though his face was pale and I could tell that he had been woken up too. Our mutual best friend was Nick.. Nick was deaf and British, he was also very impulsive and could be somewhat selfish. Nick was older than us by a couple years and could be funny, lively, and wonderful yet in the same breath sullen, pouty and jealous. For all intensive purposes, he was the older brother I never had... I loved him fiercely yet fought with him just as fiercely. I sometimes played cruel jokes on him and once even made him cry when I told him to find someone else to fight with. Nick had a car... and when he got you up in the middle of the night... you went. Daniel wasn't the best eater for obvious reasons... his stomach always hurt and food tasted different after chemo, but he would eat a burrito supreme from taco bell... every time, sometimes he would eat two of them. I don't' know why Nick chose 3am to go to taco bell... we could have gone anytime more convenient but for some reason this was Nick's witching hour. He said that sometimes the loudness of the silence would wake him and he just needed us. We always went even though I often fell asleep in class and almost NEVER did any homework. I remember Daniel telling me he put on four pounds in a month because of Nick's strange habit. I laughed... even though I had probably put on more than that from finishing Danny's leftovers and was slightly self conscious about it.

It was during one of these strange meetings that I got my first kiss. We were parked somewhere up by Idaho city in the woods, probably a day campground and Nick had wandered off somewhere, presumably to pee, although I don't remember him saying. Laying in the bed of Nick's pickup looking at the stars through sleepy eyes I could hear the river flowing and the feel of Danny's slow sleepy breathing it was warm on my cheek. I was almost asleep when I noticed it had been awhile since I felt a breath.... I waited a few seconds.... My heart slightly pounding I turned to face him and he was smiling... Before I had time to even be angry with him he put his hand on my face and pulled me close... The moment was so right I forgot to be afraid... I forgot all my fears about my first kiss and fell in love.. I wasn't worried about where my nose was or if I was doing it right.. I knew Danny didn't care...

Danny had a way of seeing inside of people. He was intuitive beyond belief and would often know what we were thinking before we did. He always said the right things and knew just what to do when someone was sad or hurting. I was very socially awkward and self centered even though I had no idea at the time, I was often thinking about how I looked and who was noticing me. I was always worried about being liked and one unkind word could set off a cascade of self hating lasting for days. Danny would often listen for hours about the boy at school who had called me a name, or how I felt that my life was horrible and that no one liked me. He would smile and say... "then they are wrong, cause I know what I like." I realize now, with more adult understanding that what he was going through was so much more real than what I was telling him about. I know now that he knew he was dying. He knew that the chemo, and the bone marrow biopsies were unnecessary pain that didn't much prolong the inevitable. I know, in my heart, that Danny has since passed away. I know that I left him when he really needed someone, that he loved me and he died without me. I didn't know anything about cancer I didn't know anything about the survival rates when someone had relapsed several times. I didn't really want to know what the eventual end would be. He was horribly sick for several days after treatments. I knew that he would often have to vomit without warning and was extremely embarrassed when it happened.

The only time I ever saw Danny cry was during one of these episodes. We were at the park laughing at the birds. Danny was maybe three days past his last treatment. All our friends were there Danny was being his usual life of the party self. He was talking, laughing and his eyes were shining. I was fairly quiet, just watching him, I wanted to be like him. Everyone loved him, everyone hung on his every word and waited for what he was going to say next. He was the funniest and most interesting person at the table and he didn't even know it. He was completely without ego or self consciousness. Then he began to vomit... Nicky got him to the bathroom and left him alone. When several minutes had passed, everyone had continued talking (this happened a lot) I snuck in to check on him. He was crumpled in a pile next to the toilet on the dirty floor sobbing, between sobs he violently threw up. He looked so fragile at that moment I couldn't stand to see him. I slipped back out of the bathroom and told Nicky to go check on him I was so shaken I couldn't let him know I had seen but I wish I had helped him. Instead... 20 or so minutes later Nick came out with him leaning a little on his arm. Danny was smiling but his face was impossibly pale and Nick shoved a note in my face that said "taking Danny home". I told him something lame like," hope you feel better Danny", but in that moment he was lost. His smile was plastic and his eyes were glazed. I wished I was tough enough to go home with him. to sit by his bed so he wasn't alone. There was a glow in his eyes that was almost hopeless, and a sort of quiet panic.

It was several days before I saw him again. Nick had taken him to the hospital later that day and he spent several days in and out getting fluids and anti-nausea meds. I think he had even asked for me but i was so ashamed it left a bad taste in my mouth and I avoided him. I could be like that sometimes....

When he was up to it we went on another taco bell run. We sat in Nicks truck eating and joking when he suddenly whispered, "I know you were there... I'm sorry, I'm sorry I scared you... I'm sorry I scare everyone... whatever..."

"Danny don't say whatever, you sound like a valley girl" was all I managed and he laughed... He knew I meant more... he had to.

It is the way of the world; that someone as wonderful, musical, and full of life as Danny would have to be dying. At the age of fifteen this irony was lost on me and so was Danny eventually. My parents divorced, we moved away. I called him a few times but eventually the calls got further and further apart. The last conversation we had he was laughing and talking about Nick's latest antics and he said, "I miss taco bell." I laughed and said "it's still there, jeeze Danny, I miss you too"

"You know that's what I meant" he said.

It felt like the right time to ask and so I said "how is it really going, how are you really?" I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I didn't really want to know. I didn't want to worry about him and I didn't want to see his pain. I wanted him to always be there to listen and have someone to call when I needed to complain. I wanted to hurt him by telling him about my latest dates and which guys liked me. I wanted it to be superficial and funny. I wanted to make jokes and rewind my last statement.... Please... please let him tell a joke so I don't have to face his reality.

His voice became papery and somewhat harsh... It was the only time he ever talked this way to me. He said "didn't you know Janelle?"

"What??" I said. I felt a little scared.

He said, "it's been a losing battle from the start."

I felt empty.... I didn't really want to know how he was. I really just wanted life to go by somewhat devoid of negative emotion. I didn't want to feel the guilt I had, and the sadness I was going to feel when I lost him. It just wasn't real and I didn't want to face it. We talked for another half hour or so.. joking and laughing but that statement stayed with us, hovering like a shadow above the rest of our conversation. His voice had become somehow thinner, as if admitting to the inevitability of his life had taken some life from him. When we were ready to hang up after several goodbyes he said "I meant to say I missed you, I hope you know that. "

"Love you Danny", I said... and the shadow disappeared. It was several weeks before I tried his number again... It was disconnected.

I know in my heart he is gone... but sometimes I hope that someday he will call me. He will find me. He will have a beautiful charismatic wife and three little boys and I will see him again.

Confessions to scare the childless couple

2009-06-18T22:34:00.003-06:00

I am writing this... just because.

I have bendaroos stuck to my wall in the shape of a bow.
I have a toothbrush and scissors on my desk (??!!)
I have a dog curled up on my freshly washed laundry... he's very cute.

I hear mass giggling... only to find five little heads bent over 9 hermit crabs crawling with reckless abandon on my clean tablecloth
I catch my three year old leaping, legs and arms spread wide, off her dresser and onto her new toddler bed.
The cat licks it's butt on my kitchen counter.
There is playdoh in my hair.
There is A LOT of marker under my tablecloth... same marker is on the carpet, the laundry room door and my dryer
The appliances that wash things... are dirty.
There are worms in the dryer
There are princess stickers on my computer
There are bug stickers on some doors
There are bandaids in the bathtub
There are five pieces of gum spit out on the floor... (they are hot.... (well why then did you try five pieces??!!))
There are five children yelling into the fan. This is okay... until they start yelling butt and fart and horrify the mailman.
Said mailman makes fun of us.

The pizza guy knows my oldest's name.
He also knows my dog's name
So does the lady at McDonalds.
I have five hairbrushes but can only find my least favorite one at any given time.
Any food when eaten by a one year old is messy and can triple in size.
I have been known to wear pajama pants and sandals..... to the store
The word "itchy" means I don't like it and I am NOT going to wear it.
So does "ucky princess"
A child with her hair done and a pretty dress can get just as dirty as one wearing only socks and a diaper.
I sometimes do dishes at night because that is the only time nobody is unloading behind me and placing soup cans in the dish rack.
My little ponies melt in the dishwasher
The heated drying cycle of the dishwasher can start a fire... which leads to the "beep beeps" going off, much screaming and one or two kids in the front yard. Thus practicing our monthly test of fire safety.
Sometimes... there is a mess that you have NO idea how to clean!!
Spaghetti is on everything.
Also... for some reason... food tastes better if your hair gets a taste too!

From 20090611005532

From 20090612003326

forgive me...

2009-06-12T11:12:00.002-06:00

but, I LOVE these movie thingies. I have so much fun putting the pics in order and matching up a song. Anyway... we went to the zoo yesterday, it was a lot of fun. I could almost go every day. The kids had a blast and I only spent like 15 bucks cause it was half off day!! WOO.. Ruby was pretty miserable without her nap. She threw sand in everyone's eyes at the sandbox, got a black eye when she fell running away from me, and threw a HUGE fit when the carosel ride was over. All in all though, I think it was an excellent day. I love to take them places.. especially outdoors with animals. I think one of the most important things to pass on to our children is a love of nature. It doesn't matter what creature, there is a place for them all in the universe. My kids are slowly learning a respect for nature and animals, we have had a huge assortment of pets. We also have rescued several sparrows and I taught them how to mix the baby food and how to hand feed them with the ends of q-tips. We have also felt he pangs of loss when an animal that is part of the family dies. I know in my heart that these lessons are the ones that really matter.

They just dont stay little

2009-06-03T22:26:00.003-06:00

We love the lake

2009-06-03T15:38:00.000-06:00

Why stay home? It's hot outside!!

Ava's true feelings

2009-06-03T14:45:00.002-06:00

2009-06-02T10:18:00.002-06:00

I love summer... I am totally admitting to the fact that my lack of posting has been due to the fact that I am hardly on the computer anymore. I just want to be outside outside outside. I don't even want to go to work anymore :D. Ava is turning into such an amazing little girl. Her speech gets better every day even though it is hard to understand it is great to finally see what makes her tick. I love hearing about her thoughts and what strange thing she is going to come up with yet. I bore everyone at work with my stories about my wild life with children. I don't think anyone is luckier than me.... No matter what the day was like... or what kind of rejection i recieve in the outside world... there will always be a house full of people who love me... I will walk in the door to be assaulted with MOM MOM MOM.... They overwhelm me with questions and requests... but I wouldn't trade it for anything... these people are mine.. my home is safe and we all accept each other faults and all. People at work are always saying "you got your hands full"... but they don't realize that the work involved... the time.... I am trading it for something that is so precious and amazing. I wouldn't give it up for all the wild nights they spend partying... all the trips to vegas... all the alone time in the world. They have NO idea what they are missing!

Idaho City

2009-04-28T14:16:00.003-06:00

Here are our pics from Idaho City... as long promised.

2009-04-28T12:37:00.000-06:00

More Ava-isms

2009-04-27T16:06:00.002-06:00

Coobus = school bus

She loves to go fishing and often asks for fishin fun.

Taya, wibia, wooby Kayla, Olivia, Ruby

Daddy NEAN= daddy mean

MOMMY hear it... cops?? hear it??? Ambulence... HEAR it??

She repeats everthing multiple times utill I repeat it back. I always say she is practicing speech therapy on me. She is officially entered into preschool and starts this week... Did I also mention that she is potty trained?? WOOO!!

Strange Ocean Organisms

2009-04-22T21:07:00.001-06:00

Check out this SlideShare Presentation:

Strange Ocean Organisms

View more presentations from Mollyorty.

Olivia

2009-04-21T16:21:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted about this yet.... Was kind of mulling the whole thing over. Olivia went to her regular well child checkup last week and the Dr. noticed that she had fallen off the growth charts. She was previously in the 5th percentile or so but now wasn't even registering on the chart at all. She had only grown 2 cm's in the last year. He was concerned that there was something wrong with her thyroid so he sent us for thyroid studies and bone age scans. The thyroid tests involved a blood draw. Olivia had already had 2 shots that day that she wasn't aware were coming and was quite dismayed to hear about a blood test. I decided to do that first and get it out of the way. She was pretty good... the phlebotomist said that it usually took more than two people to do it on a kid that age... Olive is pretty little though... SHE was mad!!!

the bone scans were just a series of x-rays on her hands and that went a lot faster. Once I told her there were no pokes involved she went willingly. I believe in telling my kids ahead of time if they will receive a shot or blood draw, I think that it creates a sense of trust and that they know you won't lie to them. If I don't know.. I say I don't know... but if I tell them they aren't going to get a shot and Dr says they need one, I make a separate appointment. It irritates the docs and nurses but I feel it is the best way.

Even though the bone scans were just a series of x-rays.... I was reminded of what people who's kids have medical issues must feel like. Watching my small daughter sitting under that huge machine... explaining what was going to happen and why in child terms, and reasoning with her why she had to have a needle in her arm..... It was all so surreal...

I am not sure how I would handle that all the time.... I don't know how anyone does......

Later that week the Doctor called me and said that her thyroid tests were normal but that her bone scans showed the bones of a four year old. He couldn't seem to tell me why except that he needed more tests. I asked a lot of questions but really didn't get any more definitive answers. He wants another blood test though and if this one is altered... then we will be referred to a pediatric endocrinologist. There isn't one in the valley.... we will have to either go to Portland or see the one who visits here every few months. I was assured thought that waiting for awhile would be alright since she has several years of growth ahead of her. I just wish I didn't have to take her for the blood draw. :(

Girls

2009-04-19T20:43:00.002-06:00

Here are some new pictures of the kids.

Here's where Olivia learned not to walk with her hands in her pockets anymore. Someone bumped her on the playground and she went face first and couldn't stop. We thought she broke her nose.

Ava-isms

2009-04-19T10:29:00.004-06:00

Right now I am at work... and probably shouldn't be on here but everyone is asleep and I really don't have much to do. This weekend we went to Idaho City and spent the night. Ruby stayed with Grandma and Daine went with us. It was so nice to get out and be in the woods. The kids had a great time fishing and we caught a frog the first day. Ava was totally potty trained most of the trip.

I will post pictures later.

Ava has started talking like crazy the last few days though... after our first night in Idaho City she spent Almost an hour telling me all about what we did that day. She said "went bye bye fishing, and had FUN, threw rocks, found froggy, and had fun! Fall down, and have fun, Playin rocks, and ice cream! Have fun. Ruby at kymas (grandma).

When we picked up the chihuaua at my sister's house, Ava cuddled it all the way home, calling her Chicken wawa. When we got home she went out in the back yard anxd chased her around the yard saying Chicken wawa chicken wawa, mere!! COME MERE!!!

2 weeks off..

2009-01-16T21:53:00.005-07:00

I have had 2 lovely weeks off with my kids. Not really a vacation.. but rather a lack of work holiday. I am still getting paid.. more actually to stay home cause of on call pay but running quickly out of paid time off. I really feel that the longer I stay home though... the less I want to come back. It is a vicious circle!! The time that I have had though has been great. I have enjoyed every minute of being the mommy, not having to say goodbye to a screaming Ava in the window and getting to play with Ruby and her happy 1 year old self. I remember all the reasons I didn't want to stay home full time, but now I wish I could at least work less. Full time is a lot of time to miss. My kids are wild, yet sweet beyond belief. They are all so different yet mirror some of the values and beliefs I have tried so hard to instill in them. I treasure this time.. time they want to spend with me before age and maturity leads them to the realization that I am boring and uncool. Before they know I am imperfect and that I don't always know what I am doing. I guiltily call in for another available day... knowing that I can make up the pto but won't ever get this time back with my sweet sweet children.

Birthday!!

2009-01-15T10:14:00.003-07:00

I still can't believe my baby is one~~

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/cheese_omlett/Ruby%20ONE/?action=view¤t=P1050005.flv

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/cheese_omlett/Ruby%20ONE/?action=view¤t=P1050131.flv

2009-01-15T10:13:00.002-07:00

When you are slightly cranky... the kids sense this and do everything annoying they can think of... This morning Ava wsa standing on the top of the table yelling FREAK!! Then... that situation diffused she is in the girls room getting into everything.. (they are gonna have a cow)
Then a few minutes later I am hit in the back of the head with a binky "binky's go nite nite" Well... at least we got that concept down. Now she is unloading all the movies into my lap and saying NEMO NEMO??

Happenings

2009-01-14T09:53:00.004-07:00

Christmas was great... if somewhat overshadowed by the finances... I hate that... Kayla got her much wanted guitar and Ava got babies and a baby crib. Olivia got My Little Ponies and Ruby got a little people barn with animals. Ava has since confiscated that but it is ok... Ruby gets anything her hands fall on. We gave Daine an MP3 player and we all had Christmas dinner together and played board games. It was really nice. Shortly after that was Ruby's birthday.. It was poorly planned (It kind of snuck up on me) but she had a blast. She got to eat spaghetti for dinner and then crammed a cake into her face with her fist. She got a toy drum and a couple puzzles for presents. As far as first birthdays go... it was a good one!!
I am now working day shift... although I have only worked once in two weeks.. Taking PTO days right now... Daycare continues to be a bit of a struggle and I decided I didn't want to worry about it this week :D.

MOMMY

2009-01-07T17:20:00.001-07:00

I just made closepin dolls with the girls.. managed to make 4 of them and then hot glued my fingers to the hair of the fourth one... Ava fingerpainted and then glittered everything so now she is a sparkly paint mess... She is wearing my underwear and I am stuffing a too small kitty shirt on her so she won't yell while she throws laundry from my clean laundry pile under the chair at the cat. We still have dinner and bedtime to get through.... I also might add that after changing six stinky diapers today (from both kids) Ava smells suspicious....

Ava SMILE

2008-12-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

I said "Ava, smile for the picture"

She is so funny!!

Christmas stuff

2008-12-10T23:08:00.002-07:00

Hanging the christmas lights

Huge Tree!!! Dwain is over six feet tall!!

Kids hanging ornaments!!

Lilly's Christmas coat

2008-12-10T23:03:00.002-07:00

Chicken Jane is new!! She was born in September (25th I think) Chelsie wanted her to stay in the family so that she could still see her. I wasn't so sure at first, but we ended up loving her to peices. Even Lilly is on board!!

Lilly's take on the changes around here

Remember?

2008-12-10T02:09:00.006-07:00

Memories

Ava then fat and bald :)

Ava NOW

Ruby then

Ruby Now

Together

PUMPKINS

2008-12-03T23:07:00.002-07:00

Everyone worked so hard on their pumpkins. They were all great. Kayla's was so detailed that she even put ears on it and spelled boo. Ava had fun separating the seeds and throwing pumkin guts and Ruby decided that she would eat them. Daine's pumpkin wouldn't stand up on it's own, it was a great long shape. I love the farmers market!! We got them all for 16 cents a pound and they were neat shapes and colors. Each one was unique!

some more halloween

2008-12-03T22:41:00.001-07:00

The kids got a good romp in the leaves while Bryce ate. I had Daine take the pictures for me cause I was talking to chelsie. I love when they get all wild OUT doors!! They even buried cranky Ruby. She thought that was pretty funny.

Halloween anyone?

2008-12-03T21:46:00.002-07:00

Halloween was... well it was a long time ago but since I am just now posting it... it was great. I had to work but Amy worked until 930 for me and I got to go trick-or-treating and even eat pizza afterwards. I had so much fun! Daine was a reaper, Kayla was a monkey, Olivia was a cat again, Ava was a bee, Ruby was an angry dragon, Quinn was a spider and Bryce was a monster. We all got to go together and it wsas a blast... except the angry dragon part. I can't wait to go to day shift... No more missing everything anymore!! Chelse an dI dressed as devils and I went to work with my horns on. The doc on call thought it was a riot even though I was half sure it was inappropriate.

Quinn loves Auntie

2008-12-03T20:44:00.001-07:00

I think he had enough love for one day

MY beautful baby

2008-12-03T01:10:00.001-07:00

Ava is wild

2008-11-30T02:07:00.004-07:00

We all know this... She is also very smart. She really isn't talking a whole lot yet but she is learning to sign. Yesterday while Dwain was sleeping, Ava got up before him, as per usual. Today she decided to write all over herself with pen. Up and down her legs, her face, her arms. Dwain said that he searched EVERYWHERE for that pen and couldn't find it.... until he changed her diaper and it was neatly tucked into the waistband like a mini switchblade.... the kid is smart LOL. Sometimes I hate going to work cause I don't know what I will find when I get home.. and Dwain sleeps.

The binky chronicles

2008-08-26T13:05:00.002-06:00

Camping

2008-08-26T12:54:00.002-06:00

Here's some pics from our camping trip as well. We went out to CJ strike first and had a great time and then when we were told NO DOGS ALLOWED we high tailed it up to Idaho City for the rest of the trip. The van and I weren't keen on a second trip but it ended up okay besides the drive up. Hippety hop hippety hop while the van vaporlocked and choked to death on it's own fumes. Sometimes I hate that car. The kids all got really sunburned cause I didn't reapply the sun screen enough. I felt bad about that... it really started to show after we got home. Bad bad mom. Dogs had a blast... Lilly was suprisingly well behaved, she stayed near me at all times and even waited outside the restroom for me when I left her outside. Leo did his usual investigation of the other campers and loped slowely through the water. He was a true water dog... could never convince him to stay out of it.

more pics of everyone

2008-08-26T11:57:00.003-06:00

B*tchy morning

2008-08-26T11:25:00.004-06:00

It's 11:30, lunch time for the "twins" Ruby and Dwain are gone to get her 6 month immunizations even though she is 8 months old. I didn't sleep again last night. I am listening to the twins fight over a sandwitch even though I gave them two. Two two two... two of everything. I call them the twins cause they even look alike. It is strange having two toddlers in the house, they are forever fighting... and competing. Ava has a competative nature that she must have inhereted from her dad. Quinn does also. So it goes like this.. who can scream the loudest? who can whine the loudest? who can laugh the loudest? who can bang the loudest toy? Who can get milk first, whose clothes are cuter. (they make me point to the pictures on their shirts and tell them who it is.. then they fight over who gets to go first) OH yeah... and my ever favorite... WHO CAN MAKE THE BIGGEST MESS? The chips are still out on that one... my house looks like a diapered tornado has been through it. Dwain isn't very good at keeping up on it and doesn't paticularly care... i do... I have to say that my home is one of my small little anal control issues. I must have a clean .. cleanish home.
Here's some pics of the twins from the park. They look lovely together.

Leo

2008-08-26T03:42:00.002-06:00

Kind spirit, watchful soul.

Ever patient waiting to clean up after the last morsel had fallen.

you protected each one of my babies as if they were your own. Always tolerant of tail pulling and too hard hugs. You allowed them to climb in your dish as you ate even though I scrambled to get them back out. Never a harsh thought in your head as they sat on your favorite pillow. I know you loved us as we loved you and I hate to say goodbye.

you've been there since the beginning, and I somehow thought you would be there at the end. I took for granted the short time allowed with you and instead thought you were a permanent fixture in our home and hearts.
I miss you

2008-06-26T17:39:00.002-06:00

You let go of life with the same grace and beauty that you lived it. I knew that day in the kitchen, tearfully accepting your gifts with my name on them, I knew from that fervent glow in your eyes. I knew that you were letting go of things with a peacful love and that these gifts were gifts from your heart. You were taking care of things that you could and letting go of the rest. I loved you dearly with every bone in my body. I know you felt the same. There is always that awkward silence near the end. When the work of living becomes more than the work of letting go. You had reached this point I know.

You are right you know... there are babies all over this house. This house has become a safehold for memories where tiny footprints beat the path along the wood floors. I know you heard them in your last moments. The tiny footprints of babies present and babies past. Generations of babies have walked those floors. Don't worry my love, I will take the dark haired girl in my lap. I will love her and tell her that you did too. I will take care of the little one without the shoes, her feet will be warm on those hardwood floors.

When I sat next to you that day and watched your body hard at work at holding on, I knew your spirit had already let go. I knew that anything we had to say had already been wordlessly passed on to you. I sat in silence and watched you sleep. You created so many things. A peice of you will always live in the children.

Goodbye Mangee, I am sure that you are with Bampa now. Tell him I loved him too. The same as you. Tell him those things we shared in the last moments and tell him that I am happy that you are together but miss you both terribly.

does it make you feel loved

2008-06-18T11:47:00.003-06:00

... to have a cold milk cup dropped on your back while you are leaning foward in your computer chair?

....to have warm drool running down your arm

.... your hair chewed on...

.... boogers wiped on you

.... a ketchup kiss

..... a hurt toe shoved in your face for a kiss

Do you feel loved... or just a little dirty and used? LOL

Brittany Spears

2008-06-16T00:25:00.003-06:00

Gives Koolaide to her babies in a bottle... Or so an often sensational tabloid once commented... Does that make us bad mothers??? *innocent look*

LOL.. actually it's Crystal light.. if that makes a difference... and I don't really give it to the bitty baby. :d

Fishing

2008-06-16T00:17:00.002-06:00

I wanted to make a post about fishing. My family loves to fish but are somewhat at a loss as to what to do when we actually catch one. I know Dwain hates to clean the fish and I hate to kill them. My dad makes fun of us...

Dwain and Daine went fishing EARLY one morning... too early for me in fact. I stayed home with the girls and slept in. Around 7:30 I got a call... "fill the bathtub the fish are still alive"

All I can say is EWWWWWWWWW

Gross live fish

The after fishing dog pile of love LOL

The name makes sense

2008-06-16T00:04:00.002-06:00

Or is beginning to...

We have three wonderful beautiful cats full of personality. Jewel was brought to us by surprise by my husband's father. He wanted us to "keep her for awhile" Of course... she is now our cat and we love her. I got Josie at our local animal shelter to keep Jewel company. They were a perfect pair. Josie has a daring and fun personality that compliments Jewel's reserved side. About a year later I was at pet smart with my mom looking at kitties... This beautiful grey cat was telling me her sad story. I told her that I couldn't have any more cats and that two was quite enough for one household. She said that the shelters were full of plain grey cats like herself with wonderful expressive eyes. I caved and brought her home. The name the shelter had given her was Jasmine which sounds very funny along with Josie and Jewel. It turns out that she has a personality to match my other two cats and is expressive, fun and inquisitive. She steals the kids socks and throws them into the air with wild abandon, pretending she is hunting a wild animal and protecting her beloved family. She sleeps in strange positions all over the house and has been known to run along our ceiling shelves happily surveying her kingdom.

So to finish what I was saying... We decided to take the kids to the park today to ride their new pedal car and get all their wild run off... There was a sad little kitty next to our car when we went to go home. He was thin and had a hoarse little cry. I told him that he needed to go home and that four kitties was WWWWWWWWWAYYYY too much for any house. He said that he didn't have a home and hadn't eaten for days. I will take him to the shelter tomorrow to get the vet care he needs, but he said he really needed a meal and a safe place to sleep for the night. I have wanted to call him Jeffery.

This is bad....

Random pics of kids in the car

2008-06-07T01:47:00.001-06:00

Uncle Mitch's Birthday Party

2008-06-07T01:41:00.002-06:00

Here is a pic of all the cousins together. Ruby didn't want to participate.

There's (from left to right) Kayla, Olivia, Ruby, Quinn and Ava

Concert

2008-06-07T00:47:00.002-06:00

We went to a whalers concert in the park. It was a lot of fun on a nice summery day. Daine was facinated with the stunt bikes and mom and I were facinated with the fried fish wagon. It was called Kilted Cod and we could smell the fish as we were walking into the park.
They had spread little beach balls in the shape of fish all over the park and the kids had a blast. Ava spent most of the day running back and forth between me and her dad. Thank god for the leash!! Kayla kept hoarding beach balls and then pretending people had just dropped them off. It was a lot of fun but I was pretty worn out after a very short time. Ruby rode in the sling some of the way and the stroller the rest. She is very easy to please and pretended like she was back in the womb.

Ava doesn't like heights tall daddy!!!

Olive is a nut

What beach balls??

sleeping princess

Backpack and binky

Ava likes coffee

2008-06-07T00:37:00.002-06:00

OOps.. Bad mommy!!

We did have the infant and toddler program come out to see her. She qualifies for speech therapy but has NO signs or symptoms of Autism anywhere on the spectrum. I am SOOOO glad. I feel like a big weight was lifted off my chest. The specialist said that she looks to others for aproval when she does something right and she brings things to show me. It was a big relief. However... Ava still only says about 5 words consistantly.

Ava 2 Birthday

2008-06-07T00:28:00.002-06:00

Ava's second birthday was fun. She got a cute German Chocolate cake that was decorated by the deli. THEN I decorated it. I put Peanut butter M&M's on it and wrote Ava on the side. I put Nemo candies on it caus she loves fish. It was a little overdone I must say. Dwain laughed at me. Ava was thrilled with blowing out the candles and tried to spit on the cake. I think Kayla blew the candles out under my arm though when I wasn't looking. I pretended not to notice. Ava's current favorite toy from her birthday is her "baby littlest pet shop". Its a little foldable house that came with a dog, cat, person and various grooming items. She loves it and packs it everywhere. It drives Kayla nuts though that she doesn't "play with it right". She likes to have the house upside down and make the little critters dance on it.
here's some pics. I forgot to upload the cake ones though so those will have to wait. :D

The leash

2008-04-22T22:01:00.004-06:00

So this is my new lifesaver. After 2 close calls with Ava and the busy street we live on I finally broke down and bought a leash. She likes it.. Loves the puppy and the buckles. She likes to put it on in the house and then run like crazy so the cats will chase the leash. She is funny. She has been so naughty lately about the road though I was scared to death. She likes to drop and twist her hand out of mine and then RUN like hell!! She is sometimes like having 3 kids!! She climbs on kitchen counters, up the crib.. is able to open doors and drawers. There is nothing this kid can't climb!! Today she opened up the X-Box, put in a game and proceeded to plug in a controller to play. She was parked in front of the TV hitting buttons trying to make the game come on when I caught her. There is nothing wrong with this kid's intelligence whether or not she is able to talk. I have cleaned the house at least 3 times today.... it still looks like her room exploded in the living room. She likes to roll her toy trains around the kitchen and put her wee-people in the school bus and make it crash into the dog water... The water dumping all over the kitchen is just a bonus. I think we need a kiddie playground just to wear her out. I have yet to connect with the infant/toddler program about her speech though... Those people are about as hard to get ahold of as BSU financial aid!!

BAD Ava

2008-04-13T23:02:00.001-06:00

Today Ava tried to set the house on fire. Dwain was kind of dozing on the couch while she played with her toys... suddenly he smelled smoke and was awake in an instant. Bad Ava had taken a lid from a plastic cup, thrown it into the dishwasher and turned the dry cycle on. Totally melted the lid and filled the house with smoke... We have a child lock on the dishwasher... She is just TOOOO crazy!!
Scared the pants off of Dwain though....
A couple of weeks ago while I was feeding Ruby she got into the fridge and decided to have chicken. Suddenly an entire cooked chicken was flung into my lap. "Der" says Ava. I screamed, not knowing what it was and Dwain came running. She was mad that we took her chicken LOL.

funny thing

2008-04-10T23:03:00.002-06:00

Each of our cats made it into a photo in the new bunch... see if you can find Jewel. Josie is the big obvious one in the livingroom but jewel is harder to find.

Hint.. she is in the dining room photo

I love our cats. HEHE

Listing

2008-04-10T22:55:00.002-06:00

Now here is the listing flyer she made for the sign in front of our house. I love it too. It almost makes us want to just stay here. I can't wait to have a bedroom for each of the older girls though. It will be nice to have them separate.. especially at night. I am so tired of them being up all night and Olivia being SOO tired all the time. It makes me sad.

OLD flyer

NEW flyer

So here's the new pictures.

2008-04-10T22:43:00.002-06:00

These are much better I think. They really make the house look it's actual size. It also doesn't look as much like four kids live here. Now that is an accomplishment!!

sneak peek

2008-04-08T23:47:00.002-06:00

Here's a sneak peek at the new photos after we did some painting and rearannging. They look SOOO much better.
HAHA.. I just noticed the child lock on the dishwasher. Ava is so naughty.. she opens the dishwasher, throws things inside.. takes things out and uses it as a stepstool to climb onto the counter and eat cake. I love her.

http://www.the208realestate.com/Listing/VirtualTour.ashx?listingid=1650686

House listing

2008-04-08T23:31:00.002-06:00

So our house is listed to sell now. It took 2 runs to get photos worth looking at LOL. I have to admit, our realator took great photos to begin with.. given what she had to work with LOL. I was totally suprised that she was there to take pictures the first time so I wasn't quite ready. The second pics were MUCH much better. I sent her some with dirty words cut into the lawn. Shamefully... she didn't post those although she had a good laugh about them. I am going to miss owning my own place. I will miss the feeling of being a homeowner and having the freedom to do what I want. It will be a better life though. Closer to everything giving me more time and more gas money. I think this is a good choice. I am thinking though we will have to get a four bedroom. I don't care how else the kids are arranged.. but I think Kayla DEFINATLY needs her own room. Her room was absolutly SCARY to clean out this time around. I literally just swept the garbage off the floor and got over 2 garbage bags full.
Here are the pics before: you will have to wait for the after pics because she hasn't uploaded them in stealable format yet AHHAA

funny things that happened today

2008-04-04T22:59:00.002-06:00

Ava got her finger stuck in a ferret cage at petco. That in itself wasn't even the funny part. After we freed her finger.. I kept thinking, what if we had to call the petco guys to free her finger. That would have been the topping to my night. Um.. guys, my kid's finger is stuck. She wanted to poke a ferret and your equipment doesn't seem to accomidate this. Can we do something about that?" What if we had to call the fire department. I was wandering around with the girls looking at hampsters and Dwain was pushing the cart. When I went back over there, Ava was just sitting there with a strange look on her face. It was too funny. She didn't quite know what to think when I started laughing. It was kind of like the spikey ball thing.

Kayla thinks when we move into city limits we will finally fullfill her dreams of owning a sea turtle. "mom, I'll keep it in the yard when it gets to big" hmm....

Olivia rode her bike all over the garage we were trying to clean. She said "mom, I'll stop if I see garbage"

Spikey ball stuck on hand = AWESOME

2008-04-04T22:42:00.002-06:00

and some more random Ava pictures.. just cause she cracks me up

Olivia's birthday

2008-04-04T22:40:00.001-06:00

Olivia had a great birthday!! She got everything she wanted... princess EVVVVERYTHING of course...

Easter pics

2008-04-04T22:37:00.001-06:00

We went to an easter egg hunt at my work. Here's Ruby and Olivia with the BUNNY

and just a few more cause I CAN.

Today

2008-04-04T18:13:00.002-06:00

Today is April fourth. Miss Ruby is THREE months old today. I know I promised some pictures so here they are.

These are her 2 month pics. I will post three month ones later.

Today was NUTS. I posted a free ad on craigslist and got OVER RUN!! It was amazing.. people run like crazy for some free stuff!! I am hopefully getting rid of the rest of it tomorrow... one more insane day.. I can do it. I am just suprised that people weren't bopping each other on the head for an over-the-toilet organizer!! It is looking good though.. I think our house will be ready for sale in the couple of weeks that we promised. I hope...

2008-04-01T10:49:00.003-06:00

Your baby girl, Ruby Layne, is 88 days or 12 weeks (Approximately 2.9 months) old now.

Now that is hard to belive... I have already been back to work now for 8 weeks and she went to daycare for the first time today. I am eager to find out how that went but she will still be there for another hour yet. Poor Dwain realized JUST how fun it is to get four kids ready to go somewhere by yourself. He mistakenly thought that he could start a half hour before he had to go... Silly hubby.... It didn't work as well as he thought...

Well, I shouldn't say that. He actually got them out the door on time... but forgot to put the one item that I didn't pack FOR him in the diaper bag. Bottles and food for Ruby. SO he ended up driving back home and was late after all. I told him I usually start getting ready an hour and a half ahead of time and still end up late half the time, so he was just being over ambitious. LOL. Not too bad for the first try though. It will either get better or worse with time.

Anyway... so we are selling the house. Dwain and I have argued and argued over the past several months... anytime I wanted to sell.. he was against.. and the the opposite. Now we are both in agreement. I am going to be glad to be back in town again. No more nasty commute and the kids will have things to do. It is a good decision all around.

Well.. I should probably get off here now... especially since I am at work right now. I promise I'll post some new pics within the next few days... You have to see Ms. Ruby.. She's kinda cute!!

One month OLD!!

2008-02-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ruby girl

2008-02-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yes... another post about Ruby...

She smiled today. Real smiles, she has donethis once or twice before but I had secretly thought it was a fluke. Today was no mistake. I was talking to her in my silliest high pitched baby voice (the one I use at work on my favorite babies, the one I would be DEAD embarrassed if one of my more stunning male CAPS came in and caught me using) and there it was. Again and again, there was no question. Dad says she smiled at him first but secretly in my heart, I know it was ME first!! She is the sweetest most calm baby we have ever had. Her only issues seem to be a confusion between days and nights and a LARGE loud amount of gas that she likes to pass in church. I can live with that

2008-01-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

Song lyrics | Some Devil lyrics

Ruby is fat

2008-01-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

OH I almost forgot... Ruby went to the doctor the other day for her eye issue. She has a blocked tear duct and reflux. Both do not require treatment at the moment though. The funny thing though is that she weighs

get ready

9lbs 6oz!!!!

Chubby monkey!! LMAO

2008-01-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ruby girl is 3 weeks old. I can't believe it. Time is going so fast and so slow at the same time. I am not sure how that is possible but it is happening. I am trying to decide when to go back to work. The thought of it is exciting and horrifying at the same time. I am so nervous about leaving poor hubby alone with FOUR girls.. I know he can do it... but at times I wonder if I could do it. We will have to set some money aside for him to just run away with from time to time. I forsee long rest breaks in his future.

Ava still LOVES Ruby and calls her baby-o. She gets concerned when Ruby cries and today I found her kissing her hands when I returned from getting a washcloth off the counter. She is not to be trusted but I think she really is in love with this little person we brought home. No signs of jealousy yet so I must be doing a pretty good job letting her know that she still has a place in the house... either that or they are just used to me bringing home new people LOL.

The (carefully monitored) mauling of the baby

2008-01-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

Ruby is initiated into the family by Ava

Scariest thing ever

2008-01-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

There is a little boy on Ava's birth board who had a normal barfing flu that progressed into strokes and possible brain damage...

It really gets to me how in one moment... your entire life could change. I don't think we are ever safe from that possibility once we have children. I feel like a piece of me is forever walking around vulnerable. I am guessing that the feeling doesn't change as they age. I would imagine it gets worse. Someday the PW women and I will be lamenting drivers licence difficulties and boyfriends/girlfriends. It really is a sobering thought. Anything can happen ... at any time.

Andy, get better little man.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/andywatson

NO more bawawle

2008-01-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

NO more bottles...

Ava is officially weaned off the bottle now. This is the weird thing... she takes a binky to bed and is perfectly happy with that solution. She has never had a binky in her whole life...

OH well... at least it's better for her teeth LOL. (bad mom... bad)

LAST BOTTLE

Ruby's first tub bath

2008-01-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

What a happy happy girl she was!!

Ruby

2008-01-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ruby would have been born yesterday if she were like all the other kids. Every single one except Ruby was born on the day after the due date. It's amazing to think that I could have still been working up till yesterday. I wonder who convinced her to come early.

Fun in the snow

2008-01-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

A couple days after I came home from having Ruby.. we had a HUGE snowfall. I was feeling a little bit of the baby blues so getting outside sounded GREAT. The kids had a blast. Ava was a little scared at first but of course, when it was time to come in... she did so kicking and screaming. She does most things this way. Kayla dug holes and made a snow angel. She also buried her toy frog in the snow and we had to look for it. She didn't quite understand that if you bury something in the snow, it then becomes lost. This concept still somewhat escapes her. She also thinks that the first day of spring will automatically be warm and sunny... as if the world knows that it is the first day of spring on our calendar. Anyway... here are some pictures. :D

You know you're a parent

2008-01-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

When you can have a deep conversation over the farting noises your child is making in the back seat. For 30 miles.

Ruby... sleep

2008-01-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

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